TEAM TREVOR

Alright, it's taken a few weeks to get these last two blog posts finished and put together.  I'm finally blogging about part of my "spring blossoms" and how Trevor & I got back together. I've been meaning to write this one for a long time, but honestly these last 5 months have been so crazy. As I wrote before, my heart and mind have been overwhelmed lately. While I've had time to write in my journal and jot a few thoughts and feelings down along the way, I haven't taken the time to post about this until recently. I'm also adding in a few photos from our engagement session. So if you don't feel like reading feel free to just scroll through a few pictures 

In the past 4 years I've gone through 9 surgeries and multiple other procedures where I've been awake. Some surgeries take longer to recover from than others. Luckily, my most recent surgery is a quick recovery and hopefully - fingers crossed, knock on wood and anything else superstitious - it is my last surgery.

Still to this day I vividly remember looking down at my swollen, lifeless, cut-up legs in ICU back in March of 2012. During those moments I looked at my legs and wondered what life would hold for me and how any of this would get better. My first feelings of doubt and fear set in during those quiet dark moments in my hospital room. I remember thinking not only who is left and who is Brittany Fisher? But also who would ever want "this" or to be more specific and blunt - who would ever want to be with me - this disabled mess in the hospital bed.


Down the road one of my concerns was in regards to dating and that any guy I dated from now on would never know the "old Brittany". The outgoing, adventurous, and slightly reckless blonde runner. Anyone I met after this will never know "that Brittany" - and that made me sad because I loved my old life filled with adventure, confidence and spontaneity.

Then I met a boy, one who never knew me before my accident. He never knew the "old Brittany".  It was a type of love I didn't even know was possible or attainable. I've never been very romantic. In college I barely made time for boys unless they their schedule fit into my chaotic nonstop life. If you wanted to run with me wherever I was going then great. If you wanted to climb when I climbed - that was cool with me. But I was so busy living my life that I didn't slow down too much for boys. Sometimes I questioned whether or not I really needed to shower before dates because I didn't have the time. But my roommates always forced me to make the responsible decision to shower - haha thank goodness for good roommates.

Quick backstory: I returned to Utah State less than 2 months after returning home from the hospital. And it was hard, I had angelic best friends and roommates, but living back in a town filled with memories of running and every adventure I'd taken was painful. Every road, every canyon, certain weather temperatures and seasons were painful reminders that I tried to bury deep inside. It was so painful, a pain I kept to myself and shunned, as I pushed forward as a full-time student in my senior year of teaching. And a full-time patient attending physical therapy 4-5 days a week. I was constantly exhausted not only mentally, but physically and emotionally. On top of that I went through a very long, messy, painful breakup. Even though I was the one that ended the relationship that didn't mean it was a breeze. Now, with hindsight I realized it was an answer to so many prayers and seeing how my life has turned out with Trevor I'm so grateful for the "broken road", as Rascal Flats puts it, that led me to him.

I definitely was not looking for any relationships at that point in my life and recovery. But life has a funny way of working out. When Trevor and I went out for the first time, it hadn't even been a year since my accident.

Funny story from out first date: I kept insisting he didn't need to walk me back to my apartment door. But nevertheless he walked beside me  (IN MY GRANDMA WALKER) and for some reason while crossing through the apartment door threshold I tripped and started falling. And guess who was there to catch me - Mr. Trevor Frank.

He definitely has his reservations in taking me out. I mean how many 22 year old college boys are dating girls with grandma walkers? Everyone has baggage in relationships, but some of mine was so obvious. There's no overlooking my wheelchair and grandma walker. We ended up dating for about a year. Trevor was nothing but loving and constant the whole time. That year is when #teamtrevor was really going strong. Everyone that met him loved him so it wasn't hard to be join #teamtrevor. But during that year we were dating, I ran into some big road blocks in life. And moving over 1,300 miles apart definitely didn't help.

With time, I realized I hadn't truly grieved the loss of my legs and running. I had pushed through the first year and a half after my accident with blinders on. I just kept pushing forward denying the need to grieve and process everything I had been through. But as it goes with life, it all finally caught up with me. I found myself in a place where I emotionally and mentally couldn't be in a relationship. I learned that if I couldn't even love myself I definitely couldn't love someone else. I've learned first hand how true that saying is! You can't fully love another if you don't love yourself. I felt so broken and beaten down and that is when I began my own journey of healing. With hindsight, I realized I had to go through it alone. It was complicated and hard and messy - and it honestly took almost 2 years. Two years of hard work processing grief, finding myself, setting new boundaries and learning to love myself and my new life. This blog has captured a lot of that process and it's amazing to look back and read where I was back in the end of 2014 and now where I am in 2016. That is one of the many reasons I love journaling - and blogging too. I love being able to track progress or to look back a remember how joyful or painful a season of life had been and see where I'm at now.

I jokingly remind Trevor that he had to wait two years to get back together because I had to let my hair grow back out, after I made an spontaneous hair chop on my friend Emily's porch during the summer of 2014. During those two years I did a lot of "self-work". I swore off all boys for the first year. I went through some intense grief counseling and spent a lot of time in nature mountain-boarding, hanging in my hammock reading, writing, blogging and healing.

Finally, I was open to dating again. Of course my mom had not let the idea of Trevor die. She would periodically bring him up - and by periodically I mean probably weekly. In August of 2015 my parents had gone to dinner with Trevor, without telling me. He had been in Chicago for an accounting conference and they decided to meet up. Haha - but seriously who goes to dinner with their daughters ex-boyfriend?!?! My mom finally told me a couple weeks later, when I was going in for surgery. Of course get me while I'm on drugs. So I agreed to meet up with him and go to dinner. After reaching out Trevor was open and receptive to meeting up, but didn't act overly excited or anything. And I was in no rush to see him so I kept setting up plans and then canceling because of travel plans changing, but most of the time because I really just didn't feel like it. I know I sound terrible, I know it and I fully accept it! I'm "that" girl. But I promise I just wasn't ready, if we had gone to dinner in September or October as initially planned maybe I wouldn't have gotten back together with him.

Trevor knew that it had to come from me, that I had to reach out and want it. He was so patient for those years I didn't even communicate with him and then during those months I continued to cancel on him - oops. But Trevor knew if it was ever going to work between us it would have to be my decision to reach out to him. Whenever I bring up people who had talked about him the last two years he always expresses gratitude towards them because they at least kept him in my mind and memory.

After canceling a few times, months continued to pass and I was busy helping my sister plan her wedding. Now, my sister has always tried to be objective and neutral when it comes to my relationships. But on the eve of her OWN wedding Laura was talking to me about Trevor and basically turned from her neutral state to #teamtrevor. I was shocked and just kept laughing because I couldn't believe I was hearing this from Laura. But between months of contemplating and all of these #teamtrevor" members reminding me of this boy,  I decided to go through with our dinner plans. I emailed him over Christmas break - don't ask why I chose email.

I didn't tell a soul what I had done and we made plans to meet in Salt Lake while he was down in the area for his accounting internship. There were very few friends that I'd told that I was even considering going to dinner with him. Honestly, I had NO IDEA how it was going to go down 75% of me thought I didn't miss him, this will just be a chance to catch up and solidify feelings and finally be able to tell my family and "Team Trevor" supporters to let it go. But there was still that 25% of me that wondered how we'd both changed these past two years and if I was this nervous about going to dinner then it might mean something.

We were both nervous, it'd been almost 2 years since we'd broken up. We had almost no contact during that time and definitely hadn't seen eachother. I knew nothing about his life the last 2 years and what he'd been up to. Except for what my mother told me of course because lets be honest Kaaren has been a Trevor fan from day one - months before she ever met him. And that is why we knew we had to surprise her in person!

To keep it short and simple. The beginning of dinner was awkward like a first date, getting to know the basics about each other again. As we warmed up and got past the uncomfortable beginning the light switch just flipped, or how romantic movies and books say the "spark". I was filled with old feelings, but more importantly I was filled with new feelings. Feelings that had been missing the first time around because at the time I was incapable of fully loving and giving myself to someone else.

Trevor finally just laid it out there and asked why I had reached out to go to dinner. I was a little speechless for a moment and so he filled me in where he was at and then from there I apologized and explained and we had such an honest and open conversation. It just flowed and it was just right. We both had changed and matured in all the right ways, but there was also a familiarity about us and love we had before was still there too. Everything that was right before was still right and all the messy complicated parts were 100x better. It's crazy how much change 2 years can hold. And it's crazy how emotions I didn't even know still existed could surface in a moment.

We both still played it cool and casual by the end of dinner. But we knew we wanted to "get to know each other" again and by date two I knew this was the real deal. Now let me remind you that this is date two the SECOND time around! I promise I'm not that crazy. We still decided to keep it secret because the first time was really hard on me. I felt so much pressure from family, friends and culture to take that next step toward marriage. Trevor never pushed or pressured, but the outside pressures influenced our relationship that first year. And so this time we wanted to be sure about us before we brought family back into it all. Because we knew once we told my mom, there's no going back - haha.

I can't believe in just over 4 years I went from laying in a hospital bed wondering if I'd ever get married to planning MY wedding. We are both so grateful for the time we had to learn and grow together for that first year of dating and even though it was hard for him those two years were so necessary for me to grow my hair out. Actually, Trevor just tells me I could have avoided the two years and just not cut my hair in the first place. But more importantly, I needed those two years to process all the change in my life.

Trevor was so patient with me that first year, and he was so patient for two years that we spent apart. Right person, right place and right time. I truly believe ALL THREE of these have to be in sync for it to work and the first time it just wasn't the right time. It was the right person just not the right time in life. But I'm so grateful to the one who knows up better and has much better timing and perspective than we do. I really felt God moving in our lives - call me sappy or crazy - but He had a much larger and a much better plan than I could have ever imagined.

Maybe Trevor will be mad at me  for posting this, but no one really will read this far so I'm going to include an excerpt from the adventure book that he made me when he purposed. He wrote: "Not only are you stunning on the outside, you have a loving and joyful heart and you care so deeply about so many people. Though your outer beauty takes my breath away, it is your inner goodness that continually draws me to you."

It doesn't matter if my legs are lifeless, cut up, and swollen And it doesn't matter to him that my legs don't work like everyone else. Trevor has always been able to see past my temporary mortal body and disability. He has always been able to see so much more in me. I'm writing this post mostly for myself and for my memories, but also to show that love can take time to grow and develop. It can be messy and drawn out and even feel unsure at times. But more than anything else it has to be the right person in the right place at the right time. Some of you may have struggled to let past relationships go or wonder what went wrong. But I love this answer it could have been the right person, but at the wrong time or maybe the wrong person but the right place and time. I'm so grateful for  Heavenly Father that knows me better than I know myself. He knew what I needed and wanted - even when I didn't know it for two years. I'm so grateful for Trevor and for our relationship and how much it has grown over the last 3 years. But even more importantly I'm so grateful for a loving God who works in the details of our lives bringing healing and love at all the right times.

Cheers to #teamtrevorforever & let the countdown begin: 1 MONTH

P.S. I came across this song months before getting back together with Trevor. But it always deeply resonated with me. And now it means even more with Trevor in my life. Sorry for the sappy addition. But the song is definitely worth your time - it's just so sweet.