Have Courage & Be Kind

Would you believe me if I told you that girl in the picture suffered from MDD? Okay, maybe not in that picture, but a few years down the road and one paralyzing accident later. Alright, I already know I'm going to have a major vulnerability hangover after this post and that is one of the many reasons I've been putting it off for so long. So if I don't respond to messages and such for a few hours or days, you'll know why. This quote definitely sums up this post:

Before my accident, running gave me confidence. I found peace and joy in running. Running made me feel strong and invincible. But that is not where the Lord wanted it to come from. He wanted that confidence, strength, joy and peace to come from Him.

I've briefly touched on this topic in previous blog posts, but never really got in too deep. Recently I've started sharing these more personal experiences with youth groups. I thought I was honest and authentic before, but lately I feel like I've taken it to a whole new level. Some how every time I speak it turns out completely different, but lately I've been sharing not only about my physical challenges, but also my emotional and spiritual battles with grief and depression. It wasn't until yesterday that I knew I needed to write it down. 

Faith Not To Be Healed

It's 2 A.M. and here I am awake, but that's not out of the ordinary for me. For those of you who are well acquainted with spinal cord injuries, or with my injury, know that muscle spasms and sleep can be difficult. Now I'm not going to blame all of my sleep problems on my injury because as I look back over the months and years before my accident I realized I was pretty terrible at it over the years. But there have been many restless nights because my legs, affectionately known as Mo & Jo, decide they want spaz out for 3 hours straight.

Just throwing in some random pictures of life lately.

Anyway, I'm awake and figured if my legs wont let me sleep then I might as well be somewhat productive. Lets see if I can sort my thoughts clearly enough to make sense of this post. People ask me all the time: are you going to get better? are you going to walk again? or some version of these questions. Sometimes I don't mind answering them, but other times I hate these questions because I really don't know the answer. I don't want to sounds negative but right now this physical trial is one that the Lord sees fit for me to continue to endure, it's not something I see going away any time soon. I've developed the faith not to be healed, and I don't mean that to sound negative, but it's truly how I feel. That's not to say the Savior can't heal me, it's just that it is not His will at this time. Will it ever be in this life? I'm not sure.