Faith Not To Be Healed

It's 2 A.M. and here I am awake, but that's not out of the ordinary for me. For those of you who are well acquainted with spinal cord injuries, or with my injury, know that muscle spasms and sleep can be difficult. Now I'm not going to blame all of my sleep problems on my injury because as I look back over the months and years before my accident I realized I was pretty terrible at it over the years. But there have been many restless nights because my legs, affectionately known as Mo & Jo, decide they want spaz out for 3 hours straight.

Just throwing in some random pictures of life lately.

Anyway, I'm awake and figured if my legs wont let me sleep then I might as well be somewhat productive. Lets see if I can sort my thoughts clearly enough to make sense of this post. People ask me all the time: are you going to get better? are you going to walk again? or some version of these questions. Sometimes I don't mind answering them, but other times I hate these questions because I really don't know the answer. I don't want to sounds negative but right now this physical trial is one that the Lord sees fit for me to continue to endure, it's not something I see going away any time soon. I've developed the faith not to be healed, and I don't mean that to sound negative, but it's truly how I feel. That's not to say the Savior can't heal me, it's just that it is not His will at this time. Will it ever be in this life? I'm not sure. 

I'll start off with a current favorite quote of mine but one of my favorite apostles:

"When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficult than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for the of those you love."

Phew, long quote and so many thoughts to accompany it. First off if you're tired about reading posts related to my accident you can stop reading. But honestly, I'm not sorry because this accident changed how I do everything, every minute of every day. From the moment I wake up and try to get out of bed all the way to the moment that I transfer and plop myself into bed aching with pain from the days activities or wide awake from muscle spasms. 

Mountain Board training has prepped him for the stand up paddle boarding. SUP PUP!

Ready for a confession? I really thought this trial, this disability, was going to be more short-term than long-term. Yes, I understood I was diagnosed as a t-12 parapalegic and yes, I was told all those things about never walking and running. But I really thought after blessings given and recovery early on that I'd be walking without assistance and not need my wheelchair ever again. I thought  maybe Heavenly Father just wanted to teach me and tutor me personally through this experience and then let me get back to living my "normal life".

But I have learned that this is a trial He wants me to endure. I've had numerous confirmations that this trial is not going to be lifted from my shoulders any time soon, that this is something I'm meant to endure. Phew, holding back the tears right now. I think it's the late night and legs spazzing out one me causing it. But I've learned this is something that He wants me to continue to carry, with His help.

What this picture doesn't show is me pulling my right leg up and placing in every foot hold on the way up to the top.

I love the scripture in 1 Corinthians 10:13 where it reads:

"But God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, the ya may be able to bear it."

It talks about how the Lord will not allow us to be tempted above what we are able. Just as He wont tempt us above what we are able, He also will not give us trials above what we are able to bear. But the truth is He actually does give us more than we are able to bear - on our own. But with His help we can bear it, and endure it and carry those burdens and trials - some of which will be our companions during this early life, like my paralysis.

Pretty soon Cooper's going to be too big for the mountain board.

I love what Richard G. Scott said in the end of his quote: "They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit". Heavenly Father would not require me to endure anything He did not feel was necessary or refining me, although I don't understand why it's necessary for myself, and others with more severe disabilities, to endure difficulty every day when I wake up and every day when I lay down to rest, but I do know it is for my benefit and refinement.

One idea or impression that I shared with a girls camp fireside a few weeks ago was that through this injury I've been able to speak and testify of Christ more than I probably would have ever had the opportunity to if my accident had not happened. And how although I'm not grateful to be paralyzed, I am grateful to have been able to share my testimony with so many. After I spoke the Stake President got up to speak and started off by telling me I'm doing more good speaking than I ever could have running. And I know that I so true, but sometimes I'm selfish and just want to run for me.

One of the many girls camps I've spoken at over the years, but one of the only pictures I've gotten, oops.

I know I've talked previously about struggling to accept the Lord's will and not serve a mission. But I now realize the answer was no because he had a much bigger mission in store for me. He prepared numerous people for me to teach and testify to just like He does for His full-time missionaries. I've lost count of all the girls camps, firesides, women conferences and stake conferences I've spoken at, but what amazes me is to think of every individual that has heard my testimony of Christ & His healing and strengthening atonement, and I know it's in the thousands. That is way more than I ever had in store for myself, even if I'd served a mission. The stake present went on to say how there will be girls in the audience who will go on missions because of what they heard that day etc. I've been so humbled to see how the Lord has turned pain into pure joy, hurt into healing and tragedy into triumph.

Road trips are our favorite. 

Elder Bednar shared an experience back in 2013 about a newlywed husband who was diagnosed with cancer just months after marriage. He posed the question: 'Do you have the faith not to be healed?' The scriptures so often teach of Christ's healings. There are instances where individuals "took up and walked", they were healed instantly. As I read these scriptures I would get frustrated because I knew God had the power and ability to make me whole, I had the faith to be healed, but I needed to gain the faith not to be healed, to learn to submit to His will and his timing. Before this though I struggled to understand, questioning if it had to do with my faith or worthiness. But you know what? It has nothing to do with that, but it does have everything to do with the Lord's will for me and submitting my will to His. Ultimately His plan for me will prevail. And His plan includes me enduring this disability and experience. I've decided the word experience is just a nicer way to say trial, heartache, difficulty, adversity, burden etc.

A scripture that humbled and reminded me that the Lord is in control, I found in 1 Nephi 7:12, it reads:

"How is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore let us be faithful to him."

All things, that means even causing the lame or paralyzed to walk. But there's a catch in this verse, it must be according to His will. 

National Parks free entry for life. Be expecting more of these pictures for years to come. 

Now I've focused on the faith not to be healed for so long, it's almost easier that way. Thinking about being healed seems impossible to me sometimes. But just as in times of the New Testament, Christ atonement makes it possible for us all to be healed in any way: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Just as Richard G. Scott says: 'if all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow'. The Lord wants us to grow and be stretched to become more like him.

Richard G. Scoot is my homeboy when it comes to favorite quotes. So I'll end with one more of his that has to do with submitting our will to the Father's:

“The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. Your progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether you welcome it or not. Trust in the Lord. Ask to be led by the spirit to know His will. Be willing to accept it. You then qualify for the greatest happiness.”