My Angels

I believe in angels, both here on earth and in heaven. And I'm fortunate enough to have two in my family. My mother is one of a kind, anyone who knows Kaaren loves her - she's a hoot. That is literally the best way to describe any experience with her, she's just a hoot.

"There are few things more powerful than the prayers of a righteous mother."

-Boyd K. Packer-

And oh how true this is! There is no one who has tried to understand what I'm going through like my mother. Sometimes I may feel it's a bit excessive, and slightly smothering, but nevertheless she is trying so hard to understand what I'm enduring and feeling. My mother was literally there the moment I woke up from surgery in ICU. She was by my bedside as I came out of the sedation. With the ventilator still in and my hands tied down, there she was by my side to help calm and ease the transition. 

I know I will never fully understand what my mother has gone through these past few years. She jokingly tells me that I can never make up for what I put her through on the plane. Literally moments before her flight was to take off for Las Vegas she received the phone call with the official diagnosis of "paralyzed". Up until that phone call there had been no official results or information. I don't know what information my mother had up until that point. In those moments she had to hang up the phone, turn it off and just sit there. I can only imagine what emotions and thoughts filled her heart and head for the next few hours on the plane. She arrived in Las Vegas way before the surgery was over and was there the moment I began to wake up in ICU.

The other angel in my life has been my sister. Just the week before my accident, she had been in the hospital herself. It's rather humorous to see my mom's photo stream because one picture is Laura in a hospital gown about to get her appendix out, and the next is me in a hospital gown in ICU. Not only had Laura just had surgery, but she was also in the midst of her last semester of High School. Laura spent every weekend possible by my side expect the weekend of her senior party, prom and graduation. Literally every other weekend she was with me in Las Vegas and Colorado. Not to mention she missed her senior spring break trip to the Bahamas with her friends.

Those were just a few of the sacrifices I know she made to be by my side. While in the hospital, there was literally no one I'd rather have by my side than my sister. She knew how to make me laugh and how to taunt me just enough to make me smile. I can remember a few stories, but I know there were endless stories and moments. The funniest was when I'd hit her while in my wheelchair, and if she tried to hit me back, it made her look like a terrible person for hitting the girl in the wheelchair.

But then again this is the same girl would stand 5 feet ahead of me holding a bite of cookie or treat and taunted me to "come and get it" "come get the cookie". She wasn't doing anything miraculous or out of the ordinary, but she was being herself, and by doing so she helped me feel like myself. And she was just there, she showed up. If there's anything I've learned about this accident it's that the people in your life that really care will just show up, they don't ask what you need or ask how you're doing - they just show up.

My sister has seen it all from day one, when they'd roll me out of the room wrapped up in towels to bathe me, all the way to my two-hour 1 AM ambien phone calls - she's dealt with it all. If there was one word I could use to describe my sister it would be meek. She it the epitome of meekness and grace, she bears hard things with such grace. She just does what she has to be done and some, with no expectation of reward, recognition or praise. Some may mistake her for quiet, she never tries to draw attention to herself. She is timelessly classy, she even started no pants November, where she only wore dresses and skirts - what a crack up! She dealt with more than the average senior in high school has to deal with, and somehow balanced it all. Then she went on to college and worked so hard and was accepted into BYU's accounting program while coming up to visit me in Logan 2 hours away, as well as weekly visits at physical therapy. And on top of that worked hard to finish at the top of her class and was accepted in the Master's program, seriously what a champ!

I also believe in angels and divine help, the kind we can't see with the natural eye. I was told by my search and rescue and life light team that I fell further than the original 60 feet that was reported. They informed me that I fell closer to 80-100 feet of the nearly 300 foot cliff. I've read multiple articles and been told one too many stories similar to mine, with much different outcomes. Most of those stories and accidents resulted in death, there is no reason my story shouldn't be amongst those. It was truly a miracle, one I in no way deserved any more than anyone else in these similar stories. 

My family joked that this was the best my grandpa's could both do. They were both rather tall and skinny and so they provided all the padding they could that morning of my accident. Although it may not have prevented the numerous broken bones, they did preserve my life. They weren't ready for me to come join them yet, I guess. But all joking aside, I know there truly were angels watching over me, two of them being my grandpa's who've already passed on. There is just no rhyme or reason otherwise. 

I remember being outside of Craig Hospital where I was rehabbing and healing and while sitting on the patio I began calculating in my head the height of the building. I quickly shut my brain down and didn't allow it to go any further. Remembering that night and the starry night sky was one thing, but seeing how far I actually fell was too much for me to process. I still find myself counting up 1, 2, 3, 4 stories ... and then I shut my brain off. It's like a defense mechanism that I subconsciously stop myself before I get to 8 or 10. 

Last summer I had the chance to go back out to the cliffs with a couple a roommates from the time of the accident and a member of my life-flight team, as well as the search & rescue team. They were so sweet to be willing to take time out of their day to bring us to the cliffs. They were my angels that night, they all were so attentive and did their best to board me up quickly and securely to pass me down to the helicopter that had been landed a few hundred feet lower. They laughed with me and did their best to distract and comfort me. 

I walked out some of the way out to the cliff side, and they helped carry me part of the way too. But even looking down at the bottom of the cliff, it still didn't feel real, I still couldn't register 80-100 feet. I mean the cliff was nearly 300 feet, but I couldn't separate how far I'd actually fallen. I crawled out to the edge and laid down on my stomach with my hands gripping the edge, and peering over the cliff side. It still just didn't feel real. I found the exact bolt that we had been roped into that morning. I remembered exactly where I had been sitting looking up at the night sky while he set up all the gear. The feelings of peace rushed over me as they did that night. This was the place where I took my last independent steps before I was paralyzed, this was the last bit of ground that I stood on with my own strength and muscle - pain free. There aren't very many places in life where you can say THIS is where my life changed. But it was in that exact place, in a single moment when my life was changed forever. THIS WAS IT. This place changed my life, this exact location, that exact bolt. 

Jan, my life flight nurse even filmed part of the excursion out on the cliffs. The portion at the end of the film is the right spot and I even got to climb all the way down and look over the edge. I promise I was safe the whole time! 

But visiting Cougar Cliffs didn't bring me any special peace or closure that I was expecting, but that's okay. It was a reminder of all the miracles and angels in my life, both seen and unseen. I could make a list of all the tender mercies and miracles that I've seen and heard about from my search & rescue team and life flight crew. But then this blog entry would be excessively long. But if you were to dust over my life for fingerprints you'd find God's fingerprints all over because he has been so involved in even the smallest of details. 

I'm so grateful for the many angels in my life both seen and unseen. As I've been recovering from my most recent surgery my mom and sister have once again been by my bedside. And so with some of this recovery time I just want to spotlight them and thank them for being my angels and caregivers, not only now, but for the past three years. They are true examples on unconditional love. They've been there for me through the good and the bad, from my triumphant first steps to those heartbreaking moments of pain and suffering. Thanks for always loving me and always making me laugh.