Growing Our Family

Did I trick you? 
No, we are not growing our family right now. But that would probably be Will's face if we told  him we were. There's no baby on board, but a lot has been weighing on my heart and mind these last few months. So here's a little of my heart & mind dump.

Growing up I never imagined the day I'd become a mother. With life I assumed it would happen when I "grew up". Then after my accident, I remember mourning the life I would never have and specific experiences I'd never have with a fully-functioning body. 
One day I specifically remember grieving the loss of the carrying my baby on my hip 
and dancing around the kitchen. I hadn't even realized I cared or even had those dreams until they seemed lost. 

Now that I am a mother, I can't imagine anything more meaningful. My role, identity and purpose as a mother has filled my heart to the brim. Here are a few quotes on motherhood that I love & have helped me understand my purpose and influence as a mother:

We really loaded Will up on sunscreen, hence our difference in skin tones.

“Home is where women have the most power and influence.”

“The influence of 

righteous, conscientious, persistent, daily mothering 

is far more lasting, far more powerful, 

far more influential than any 

earthly position or institution invented by man.”

"Righteous women have changed the course of history and will continue to do so, and their influence will spread and grow exponentially throughout the eternities.”

"Mothers who know do less. 

They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally.”

“These wise mothers who know are selective about their own activities and involvement 

to conserve their limited strength in order to maximize their influence where it matters most.”

These quotes are all from Julie B. Beck's talk A "Mother Heart"

“Your success as family, our success as a nation,

depends not what happens inside the white house, 

but on what happens in your house.” 

  -Barbra Bush-

When we got these family pictures back, I had a very meaningful and even spiritual experience. It was as if I could see our future in our hands. I could see children on each side of us hand in hand. It filled my heart with hope & joy, but then doubt, fear & disappointment quickly set in. The idea of growing our family had already been weighing on my heart before and seeing these pictures only amplified those thoughts & feelings.

Before William was even a year old, Trevor & I had been talking about our future and goals as individuals and as a family. As we talked about growing our family, it was difficult to see how that future would be possible anytime soon. In those moments, 

my fear was greater than my faith.

Physically there is only so much room on my lap & my wheelchair, but in my heart there is much more room. When I think about being pregnant, physically it leaves very little room on my lap in my wheelchair, which means I wouldn't be able to just pick William up and set him on my lap. But emotionally there is so room in our hearts & home for more. But then I start thinking logistically, from potty training while juggling a wheelchair, a big belly & trying to get a toddler to the bathroom to shopping and trying to hold on to a toddlers hand, push a stroller and my wheelchair. Running errands just the two of us is already a pretty intense task and I start to wonder how I would even do it all. My hands are much more limited than you're average mother, either one hand has to be on my walker or wheelchair to get anywhere and that leaves one hand kind of available to juggle something else. I know this is a problem for all mothers, but for me it is even more extreme.

Then I think about how I still feel like I'm learning how to adapt to my baby - who is really turning into more of a little boy. In all reality we will be learning and adapting to these new stages for the rest of our lives. It's a never ending course of learning, adapting & loving. At times that can be overwhelming. As I realized I was allowing my fear and doubt conquer my faith, but then I remember - I figured it out before and I will be able to do it again! 

Before William was born, I really had no idea how I would take care of him from my wheelchair & walker. I had some ideas and hypotheses, but none had been tested and proven until he arrived - but once again we figured it out! There was only one instance that I left him in the rocking chair and went back to bed & I haven't dropped him yet - although he's had a couple good falls. Overall there hasn't been any obstacles we couldn't overcome.

Trevor is such an incredible father and husband. When I look at him I have no doubts; he is so patient, loving, compassionate, nurturing, kind, goofy & outright fun! He is the absolute best dad. Our home is truly a place of learning, love & joy and it makes me want to welcome all the children we can (haha but not really all) into our home because with Trevor as their dad our children are sure to turn out kind and good. Then I think about myself, although I have a lot of the good makings as a mother, I question physically how I can manage more than one child. I still haven't figured out the one child we do have, how can I imagine welcoming another into our family. But once again I need to put my FAITH OVER FEARS. 

I love the crinkles around Trevor's eyes when he laughs & oh the laughs these two have together.

Then I was reminded of this quote that brought comfort to me in the hospital. One day while looking out my hospital window I saw someone speed by one their bike. I began to cry as doubt & disappointment filled my heart. In that moment I realized my doubts were greater than my faith. And right there and then I promised myself that I would not let fear & doubt outweigh my faith during my recovery process. Now in a new stage of life, it's amazing to see how the same reminder and quote has brought peace, confidence & reassurance:

"Choose faith over doubt, 

choose faith over fear, 

choose faith over the

UNKOWN and the UNSEEN, 

and choose faith over pessimism."

-Richard Edgely-

Now I'm not saying that we are growing our family right now, but I was humbled and reminded that I need to CHOOSE faith especially over the UNKOWN & UNSEEN. I don't KNOW what our future looks like and I can't SEE how I will manage a growing family, but at the end of the day I need to CHOOSE faith and trust in the Lord, His timing & my ability to handle everything with his help. Just knowing I have Trevor by my side, 
I know that we can handle everything together and with the Lord.


[Especially when he's not gone 11 hours a day during busy season.] 

Oh how I love my hunky, kind, goofy, tender-hearted baby daddy. 

Also a huge thank you to Mersadi Olson Photography for capturing these beautiful moments, that I will cherish forever. There were so many other darling pictures, I'll have to share another time.