My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

To summarize today in one picture it would be this:

Now to understand my day today there's going to be a bit of jumping around. I knew I had this MRI scheduled for a couple weeks now. I've had less than a handful of MRI's in my life - all of them being after my accident of course. 

What's the point?

The words of a Bing Crosby song have been replaying in my head tonight as I once again have struggled to sleep. Of course it's sung in my all-time favorite Christmas movie, White Christmas.

"When I'm worried and I can't sleep

I count my blessings instead of sheep

And I fall asleep

Counting my blessings"

So here comes one of my late night tangents. One blessing I've been oh so grateful for is to find passion for life after my accident. Before my passion was running, and pretty much running alone. My life revolved around it because I love it so much. Now after after my accident my passions stretch much further than just running. One passion that has helped me immensely is mountain boarding and cross country skiing. 

I moved back to Utah to pursue a career in Child Life, which turned out to be a dead end. And so in the mean time I've questioned where my life is supposed to go and what on earth I am doing. But I can honestly say I needed to move back to Utah not to pursue a new career path but to find passion and love for life again. I also have some of the most incredible doctors and medical professionals here and with all the recent surgeries and procedures it's exactly where I've needed to be. 

I AM NOT A SURVIVOR

I listened to a TED talk by Debra Jarvis, and it instantly struck a chord with me. When a talk, book, article or conversation inspires me I get real introverted, and then I blog. Well, this TED talk really resonated with me. She started off  asking what three things would you share about yourself that define you as a person and help others understand who you are. And it got me thinking what three things I would share to really help someone understand me.

1,280 DAYS

There is something magical about fall and running. I don't know what it is, but it's the perfect mixture of crisp autumn air, and the crunching of leaves beneath my feet that creates this magic. This weather seems to heal my soul, while at the same time bringing tears to my eyes and an ache in my chest. I miss it again, running that is. It hurts more than ever during the fall. My legs and body yearn to run free in that magic crisp air. 

Two Goods & A Bad

When I was 21, I went through an identity crisis. People talk about quarter life crisis' and other life crisis' but this is different. I'm talking about a complete loss of self. I've talked about it before but looking down at my swollen, lifeless, cut up and bruised legs in the hospital, I wondered what was left. I wondered who am I, what am I without running?  If I wasn't a running, rock climbing, adventurous college athlete, who am I?

I was literally stripped of everything I thought my identity was, actually I was literally stripped too, and given a classy looking hospital gown, but that's not the point. Most people never have to strip off all the layers they cover themselves in and look themselves in they eye and face who they truly are. We cover ourselves and our true identities up with our careers, the sports we play or enjoy, activities we spend our time on, clothes we cover our bodies in or the hair color framing our faces. But none of those are truly apart of your identity. It may be what you do or what you look like, but they are not who you are!

My Angels

I believe in angels, both here on earth and in heaven. And I'm fortunate enough to have two in my family. My mother is one of a kind, anyone who knows Kaaren loves her - she's a hoot. That is literally the best way to describe any experience with her, she's just a hoot.

"There are few things more powerful than the prayers of a righteous mother."

-Boyd K. Packer-

"You're Cute, You'll Be Okay"

Over these past three years I've heard it all. Comments that are flat out idiotic, all they way to some of the most genuine and sincere compliments. Now I won't dive into them all because there are far too many. But there's been one reoccurring comment that's been constant through the years.

When I went back to school I saw a physical therapist up in Logan for pain management. There was a fellow patient I crossed paths with quite often. He would always say to me: "you're going to be okay" or "things are going to work out for you". I never really knew exactly what he meant, but I would always laugh it off. One day my physical therapist told me that she asked him what he meant every time he made those comments. And he told her something along the lines of: she's cute she'll be okay, someone will see how pretty she is and they will take care of her. But all I heard was good thing you're cute because if not no one would want a girl in a wheelchair and walker.

Just the other day a fellow asked me why I used the board I was on, he didn't realize I was paralyzed. And once again the conversation ended the back-handed compliment of you're cute so you'll be okay.

The more time that passes the more people I meet that never knew me before my accident. The Brittany in a wheelchair is the only Brittany they know. They've never known the reckless, adventure-seeking, energetic girl. Sometimes I wonder when people meet me if they think I've been in a wheelchair my whole life. Not that it really matters, but I experienced 21 years of life with full-functioning legs. I've run thousands upon thousands of miles. I know what it's like and now I live every day in a body that feels foreign to me.