Last week I spoke in church for the first time since moving here. Now don't get me wrong, I've spoken PLENTY on my terms and about what I wanted to share. But this time was different I was given a specific topic to speak on. Not only was I given a specific topic, but I knew I had to share my personal experience with forgiveness, even though it was a painful and extremely personal experience. Although I didn't want to share, I knew it was what I needed to share. As I spoke, it only reconfirmed that I had genuinely found forgiveness. I felt such peace and confidence speaking once again confirming I shared what God wanted me to share. Some may remember just a few months ago when I blogged about my anger and frustration. This is one of the many reasons I love journaling and writing things down - you get to see progress and change. *These pictures are from my anniversary rappel & are not photos from the night of my accident.
When Brother Olsen called me to give this talk I hung up the phone in tears because I instantly knew what I had to share, what God wanted me to share. Even though I didn't want to share this all publicly I knew it was a message He wanted me to share, even if it was hard for me. Forgiveness was a concept I was familiar with doctrinally, but never acquainted with personally, that is until my accident.
For those of you who are unaware of my situation - I was in my junior year, as a student-athlete at Utah State University, when I was involved in a rappelling accident. I ended up falling 80-100 feet resulting in paralysis from the waist down, along with multiple other broken bones in my spine, legs, feet, ribs and other injuries and complications. From Cougar Cliffs I was life-flighted to Las Vegas where I underwent 10 hours of surgery, 3 ½ months of inpatient rehabilitation & years of healing and rehabilitation. In the past I’ve been private about the details and specifics of my accident. But time and time again I’ve been asked
what happened, what went wrong? I’ll be honest, I have my typical responses to appease and avoid actually answering these questions. I’ve struggled all week with what exactly to share with you all up here because a lot of what I’ve learned these past 3 ½ years has been very personal. Very rarely, almost never, have I shared this publicly, and even then I do so very carefully and respectfully. From the first day of my accident I owned my role and responsibility in the events that transpired,
but my accident was a result of the negligence of another.
Early on after my accident forgiveness came naturally. During my 18-week hospitalization my whole demeanor was loving, forgiving and submissive. Through this accident and rehabilitation the Savior took me by the hand and tutored me. He taught me lessons I could have learned in no other way. I could spend hours talking about the personal lessons I’ve been taught, but today I will just focus on what He has taught me about the principle and concept of forgiveness.
As I said, forgiveness came naturally at first. There was no question of whether or not the individual would receive my forgiveness it just came naturally. There was neither anger nor resentment for the negligent actions of that night. But as years passes some things changed and other didn’t. Most of the feeling and sensation returned to my legs while the motor and muscle function remained limited. I made my way through wheelchairs and body braces to walkers and leg braces to what you see today. Though years have passed, the ramifications of my accident are still very present and something I live and struggle with every day. From the moment I wake up and try to get out of bed I am constantly reminded and live with the consequences of that night.
My grieving process was much more delayed than those around me expected. Years later when I began to feel anger for the first time, I knew I needed to forgive. My feelings at the time aligned with those of C.S. Lewis when he said:
“Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.”
Forgiveness sounds like this beautiful and redeeming concept – and don’t get me wrong it is! It is through Christ and His Atonement that makes forgiveness and repentance possible. Often times we think of repentance and forgiveness together - and of the two repentance sounds like the more painful process. But I’m here to tell you that although forgiveness is a beautiful redeeming concept, it can also be a painful soul-stretching process.
After forgiveness stopped coming so naturally, I had to learn what it meant to truly forgive. I had to work at it; there was no one single moment when forgiveness rushed over me and I felt it was done. It took time and hard work, but most importantly it took faith in my Savior and His Atonement. If I could summarize what I learned about forgiveness in one sentence it would be this:
I learned that forgiveness does not change or lessen the severity of this sin or wrong-doing, but it increases our faith in Christ's Atonement.
It is because of the Atonement that all can be made right. It really doesn’t matter what happened or who is at fault, but no matter what the Atonement covers it and makes it right. I love this quote by James R. Rasband:
“When we refuse to forgive, what we are really saying is that we reject or don’t quite trust the Atonement”
Sister Marriot, in this last General Conference, also touched on this topic when she said:
“Your resentment diminished your progress and damages your ability to have healthy relationships. You can let this go. Oh it is hard work – we may feel quite justified in our animosity – but yielding to the Lord’s way is the only way to lasting happiness. In time and by degrees, we receive His gracious strength & direction.”
When we hold on to grudges, hurt or resentment we lose sight of our faith in the Atonement. No amount of money or punishment can compensate for my accident and what I have gone through since then. I don’t understand how the Atonement can compensate for the 1,336 days I’ve lived without running or the neuropathic pain and constant muscles spasms I’ve faced. But I’ve learned that in the end it doesn’t matter because when we refuse to forgive what we’re saying is that we don’t trust in Christ’s justice, mercy and Atonement.
There was another principle I learned through Bishop Williams, who lost multiple family members to the recklessness of a drunk driver. He said:
“Forgiveness is a source of power. But it does not relieve us of the consequences.”
Even when I worked hard and found forgiveness in my heart, it did not relieve me from the consequences of the accident. I was still paralyzed, I still couldn’t run, but the Savior had healed my heart. I now understand what it means to come before the Lord with a broken heart. And it wasn’t until I chose forgiveness that I could feel total peace in my life. I love what James E. Faust said and how honest he was when he said:
“We need to recognize and acknowledge angry feelings. It will take humility to do this, but if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us.”
I love how Elder Faust reminds us that we need to recognize those feeling, and that it is okay and when we need help in difficult situation for Heavenly Father to help fill our hearts will forgiveness. I can testify that if you pray to Heavenly Father for help if you are struggling with forgiving another or even yourself – he will help you. Elder Faust goes on to say:
“It is not easy to let go and empty our hearts of festering resentment. The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement but this can come ONLY as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite or revenge. For all of us who forgive ‘those who trespass against us’, even those who have committed serious crimes, the Atonement brings a measure of peace and comfort.”
What I love most about the gospel of Jesus Christ, is His Atonement. Not only can the His Atonement provide forgiveness for our sins, but it can also provide strength. Whether that strength is strength to forgive or strength to bear our burdens, it is through the Atonement that it is all possible! As I said before forgiveness does not lessen the severity of the sin or wrong-doing, but what it does is INCREASE our faith in His Atonement. I know that I am not perfect and have to repent time and time again and the Lord forgives so willingly and lovingly. Although we are not perfect, we can strive to offer the same forgiveness to others as Christ does to us.
