Seasons

The past couple weeks I've ghosted social media & I've been reluctant to share again. This fall & the changing season has been painful for me. It's been a month of grief & loss resurfacing. I know I can't fit all I've been feeling and processing in a little square. With that I've been trying to spend more time writing and processing these thoughts and emotions that surface.

Many people say fall is their favorite, but for me it's so much more than pretty trees, everything pumpkin, sweater weather or cute fall pictures. When the leaves start to change & the crisp air sets in, I feel an aching in my heart. Some of my most precious memories of running are associated with fall. The crunching of leaves and gravel beneath my feet and the crisp autumn air filling my lungs was my sanctuary. Nothing made me feel so alive & so grateful for everything in my life.

This month, I've been desperate to get out in the fall foliage every chance I could. Knowing that the leaves are going fall and be gone made me frantic. Getting out with William is always a bit difficult, but I wanted to properly introduce him to my favorite season. Not being able to run or hike with him the way I'd imagined has been heartbreaking & frustrating.

Reflecting on my frantic month, I've realized that not only does the fall foliage change every day, but so is my baby boy. Each day he gets closer to one year old and I get flustered thinking I need to be more present and enjoy every moment with him. The other day I frantically gathered leaves that were from the most vibrant & beautiful trees on our nature walk. Later I realized some of the beauty was lost when I took the leaves out of context of the whole tree.

Motherhood & watching my baby grow has felt similar to the seasons in nature - especially fitting for the fall season in life right now. Sometimes I fuss over a particular experience for Will, want to show him THIS or do THAT. But the real beauty in motherhood & childhood is the color of ALL the leaves and experiences together. A single leaf and single experience still has it's beauty, but clustered together with other colored experiences & leaves it becomes a magical ombre of orange, golds, yellows & greens. I'm already looking back at his first year & seeing the array of colorful leaves & tender experiences.

As Will is nearing his first birthday and the final leaves finish falling, I am trying to embrace each season we experience together. You can't stop time, you can hold on to fallen leaves and past memories, but time keeps moving forward, my baby keeps growing up. I know this next season will be just as sweet. Snow will settle into the mountains & a new kind of beauty will fill this next season. William is going to continue to change, learn & develop with the seasons and how grateful I am to experience it all.