The other week we drove up to Logan to get some family pictures done. I had decided that I wanted to try and capture the real me. The real me doesn't just stand and doesn't just sit in a wheelchair - the real Brittany uses Trevor and crutches to stand and balance, crawls around on the ground, furniture surfs walking around the house & uses her wheelchair a lot.
It's been over 6 1/2 years since my accident & it has been such a journey to self love and embracing & balancing all sides of myself. Being a t12 incomplete paraplegic comes with a lot of uncharted territory. From the beginning I didn't identify with my wheelchair because before I was a runner, I thought my strength, ability & identity came from my legs & was a huge part of who I thought I was. After my accident, I still always had the hope & determination that I would walk again. As months and years passed I kept thinking I would graduate from my wheelchair and leave that clunky thing in the dust. But I came to realize, that although I learned to walk again, I would always need my wheelchair to get long distances & other situations.
Sometimes when I'm in public, I wonder if people realize that I haven't always been in my wheelchair. I know what it like to have fully functioning and strong legs. Not that it really changes anything, but it's just a thought I have. I think sometimes we worry & fuss and are all more self-conscious about ourselves, our bodies, our abilities etc. But the truth is others probably aren't thinking about us at all.
For years I've transferred out of my wheelchair for every picture, hid my crutches behind friends and family or literally throw them out of the picture. Many SCI's don't like you to touch their wheelchair because they feel it is an extension of themselves. But I didn't identify with my wheelchair, in fact I hated my wheelchair for many years. Instead of seeing it as a tool that enables me to do more, I always saw it as a clunky metal burden, that stuck out like a sore thumb in everyone's pictures.
Now I've had some muscle function return, the the few muscles that did return are extremely weak & I compensate in every way imaginable. My walking went from intense second-by-second process where I had to think about each and every moment. It took all my PHYSICAL and MENTAL strength to put one foot in front of the other. But even after 3 1/2 years of intense physical therapy my "new" walking has become a little more automatic. If I slow down & really think about what I'm doing I'm able to engage a few more muscles & improve my form, but the walk is much slower. Other times, I just try and hustle, cheat and overcompensate to move faster. Either way I do it, after about 10 minutes my body is exhausted. It's very difficult to hold anything other than a bag or backpack and maybe pinching a few things between my fingers while holding onto my crutches.
It always feels so good to get out of my wheelchair and off my butt, but then after a few minutes standing and walking I'm exhausted, it's a constant struggle. And then I end up back in my wheelchair. I can get so much further & get so much more done when I'm in my chair. But too much time in my wheelchair and I start to feel restless & uncomfortable - I refer to it as "butt anxiety".
Even on my wedding day I don't have a single picture of me in my wheelchair. Mainly because I literally didn't use my wheelchair all day. Even with the constant love & support from Trevor & 4 years using a wheelchair, I still hadn't figured out how to accept my wheelchair's help.
Beforehand I stressed over what we should wear for our pictures. I fussed over what would and wouldn't look good in my wheelchair and finally decided to just wear what I'm most comfortable in - jeans, a sweater & my favorite walking sandals. During our pictures I jumped from wheelchair to crutches to sitting & balancing standing up. The whole time I felt comfortable transferring in and out of my chair like I do in day-to-day life. I hoped the pictures would turn out okay, but I still was nervous to see what I looked like in my wheelchair.
A couple days later our photographer sent me a couple sneak peeks and something magical happened
When I saw this picture, for the first time in over 6 1/2 years, I didn't see my wheelchair sticking out. I saw a beautiful family and more importantly I saw Brittany - a strong, resilient, kind, confident, stubborn, compassionate and loving wife, friend, sister, daughter & mother. I didn't see a girl in a wheelchair. I wondered if this day would ever come & it was beautiful. I truly can't find the words to fully describe this feeling. I didn't just wake up one day & love my wheelchair, it has taken time, a lot of work, self-love, acceptance & learning. How grateful I am for this pure moment that was captured that I will cherish forever.
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