I AM NOT A SURVIVOR

I listened to a TED talk by Debra Jarvis, and it instantly struck a chord with me. When a talk, book, article or conversation inspires me I get real introverted, and then I blog. Well, this TED talk really resonated with me. She started off  asking what three things would you share about yourself that define you as a person and help others understand who you are. And it got me thinking what three things I would share to really help someone understand me.

1,280 DAYS

There is something magical about fall and running. I don't know what it is, but it's the perfect mixture of crisp autumn air, and the crunching of leaves beneath my feet that creates this magic. This weather seems to heal my soul, while at the same time bringing tears to my eyes and an ache in my chest. I miss it again, running that is. It hurts more than ever during the fall. My legs and body yearn to run free in that magic crisp air. 

Two Goods & A Bad

When I was 21, I went through an identity crisis. People talk about quarter life crisis' and other life crisis' but this is different. I'm talking about a complete loss of self. I've talked about it before but looking down at my swollen, lifeless, cut up and bruised legs in the hospital, I wondered what was left. I wondered who am I, what am I without running?  If I wasn't a running, rock climbing, adventurous college athlete, who am I?

I was literally stripped of everything I thought my identity was, actually I was literally stripped too, and given a classy looking hospital gown, but that's not the point. Most people never have to strip off all the layers they cover themselves in and look themselves in they eye and face who they truly are. We cover ourselves and our true identities up with our careers, the sports we play or enjoy, activities we spend our time on, clothes we cover our bodies in or the hair color framing our faces. But none of those are truly apart of your identity. It may be what you do or what you look like, but they are not who you are!

My Angels

I believe in angels, both here on earth and in heaven. And I'm fortunate enough to have two in my family. My mother is one of a kind, anyone who knows Kaaren loves her - she's a hoot. That is literally the best way to describe any experience with her, she's just a hoot.

"There are few things more powerful than the prayers of a righteous mother."

-Boyd K. Packer-

"You're Cute, You'll Be Okay"

Over these past three years I've heard it all. Comments that are flat out idiotic, all they way to some of the most genuine and sincere compliments. Now I won't dive into them all because there are far too many. But there's been one reoccurring comment that's been constant through the years.

When I went back to school I saw a physical therapist up in Logan for pain management. There was a fellow patient I crossed paths with quite often. He would always say to me: "you're going to be okay" or "things are going to work out for you". I never really knew exactly what he meant, but I would always laugh it off. One day my physical therapist told me that she asked him what he meant every time he made those comments. And he told her something along the lines of: she's cute she'll be okay, someone will see how pretty she is and they will take care of her. But all I heard was good thing you're cute because if not no one would want a girl in a wheelchair and walker.

Just the other day a fellow asked me why I used the board I was on, he didn't realize I was paralyzed. And once again the conversation ended the back-handed compliment of you're cute so you'll be okay.

The more time that passes the more people I meet that never knew me before my accident. The Brittany in a wheelchair is the only Brittany they know. They've never known the reckless, adventure-seeking, energetic girl. Sometimes I wonder when people meet me if they think I've been in a wheelchair my whole life. Not that it really matters, but I experienced 21 years of life with full-functioning legs. I've run thousands upon thousands of miles. I know what it's like and now I live every day in a body that feels foreign to me.

Have Courage & Be Kind

Would you believe me if I told you that girl in the picture suffered from MDD? Okay, maybe not in that picture, but a few years down the road and one paralyzing accident later. Alright, I already know I'm going to have a major vulnerability hangover after this post and that is one of the many reasons I've been putting it off for so long. So if I don't respond to messages and such for a few hours or days, you'll know why. This quote definitely sums up this post:

Before my accident, running gave me confidence. I found peace and joy in running. Running made me feel strong and invincible. But that is not where the Lord wanted it to come from. He wanted that confidence, strength, joy and peace to come from Him.

I've briefly touched on this topic in previous blog posts, but never really got in too deep. Recently I've started sharing these more personal experiences with youth groups. I thought I was honest and authentic before, but lately I feel like I've taken it to a whole new level. Some how every time I speak it turns out completely different, but lately I've been sharing not only about my physical challenges, but also my emotional and spiritual battles with grief and depression. It wasn't until yesterday that I knew I needed to write it down. 

Faith Not To Be Healed

It's 2 A.M. and here I am awake, but that's not out of the ordinary for me. For those of you who are well acquainted with spinal cord injuries, or with my injury, know that muscle spasms and sleep can be difficult. Now I'm not going to blame all of my sleep problems on my injury because as I look back over the months and years before my accident I realized I was pretty terrible at it over the years. But there have been many restless nights because my legs, affectionately known as Mo & Jo, decide they want spaz out for 3 hours straight.

Just throwing in some random pictures of life lately.

Anyway, I'm awake and figured if my legs wont let me sleep then I might as well be somewhat productive. Lets see if I can sort my thoughts clearly enough to make sense of this post. People ask me all the time: are you going to get better? are you going to walk again? or some version of these questions. Sometimes I don't mind answering them, but other times I hate these questions because I really don't know the answer. I don't want to sounds negative but right now this physical trial is one that the Lord sees fit for me to continue to endure, it's not something I see going away any time soon. I've developed the faith not to be healed, and I don't mean that to sound negative, but it's truly how I feel. That's not to say the Savior can't heal me, it's just that it is not His will at this time. Will it ever be in this life? I'm not sure.