Grief

"Greif does not change you, it reveals you."  

John Green

The past 2 ½ years I’ve come to more fully understand the meaning of the word grief. Through my personal experiences, along with class research and conversations with others, I’m just starting to understand grief. I think John Green put it quite well when he wrote – ‘grief does not change you, it reveals you’. There have been times where I did not like the girl who it revealed, and other moments when I was in complete awe of the strength I found.

When it comes to experiencing pain, or any type of feeling, I am not a fan of the phrase and idea: “I know how you feel”. Even if you had been in the exact same accident with the exact same injuries and time in the hospital, that does not mean you know how an individual feels. We each feel pain differently, based on our personal experiences. This contributes to the fact that no one can know exactly how you are feeling. Well, that is, no one except our Savior Jesus Christ. He is the ONLY person who can say ‘I know how you feel’ to each and every one of us and know how to help us, because He truly understands. In cases of abuse, He knows. In cases of infidelity, He knows. In cases of death and loss, He knows. When it comes to divorce and broken hearts, He knows. The list could go on and on, He has experienced it all. There is no pain he did not suffer, no sorrow he did not feel. Although I do not understand how that is possible, I know that He truly ‘knows how you feel’.

My Therapy: Running

While at physical therapy I was talking with one of my PTs and we were talking about how so often people take things forgranted, and if you can really not take something, like walking, forgranted until you've lost it. Before my accident though, I truly thought I appreciated my ability to run. But even then there were so many simplicities in life that I took for-granted. From running in the house because I forgot my paper to sitting down and using a toilet, the list could go on forever, but that's not my focus. Just two weeks before my accident I had been out on a long run by myself. My experience on my run left me over-joyed and pondering the beauty and meaning of running to me. So, when I got home I went straight to my journal, I still remember sitting at our kitchen table writing this entry. 

“I absolutely love to run. People ask me all the time, how to love running, or express to me how much they hate it. All of these conversations, and many long runs on my own, has led me to these thoughts and conclusions. I love to run because when I run, I don’t need anyone else or anything. I mean, yes, clothes and shoes would be nice to have, but are by no means essential. When I run, I see the world in an almost clearer, and more beautiful light. And nothing, at least nothing I can think of, comes close to that feeling of peace and pure joy when the warm sun beats down on my skin. When I run, it seems as though, that is when I am closest to God, on my own and in nature, in the beauty He created for me. There is no need for therapists when running exists. Running calms my heart and soul. When I’m frustrated, I run. When I’m upset, I run. When I’m near tears, I run. When I feel lazy, I run. When I’m ecstatic, I run. When my heart is filled with gratitude, I run. Running keeps me sane. Some may call me insane for running so much, but man oh man are they wrong. Some say naps make everything better, but I believe running makes everything better. I love running because I can just pick up and go. I don’t need anything, but maybe the shoes on my feet. I’m very much a people person, but when I find it hard to sort my thoughts, and find quiet time to pray to my Father in Heaven, running is the perfect remedy.”

A New Start

Well, I've tried this blog thing before, but I thought I'd give it another go, a fresh start. I really don't like technology, but I've learned that to be a functioning human in society, you kind of have to use it. I got reading an article about neural stem-cell research. One of the requirements to be a participant in the study is that there they must be "at least 1 year but no more than 2 years from time of injury at the time of surgery".

This is what inpatient life really looks like

As I thought about this study, I quickly realized that I wasn't even eligible. I'm almost 2 1/2 years post injury; has it really been that long? Where has the time gone? What have I been doing all this time? How did it pass so quickly and yet at times so painfully slow. It got me thinking more about all that has occurred these past 2 1/2 years, and how much I've forgotten. I've forgotten the many tender mercies and blessings I've experienced, and the people I've met along the way.
My thoughts have been scattered between video diaries, multiple journals and other minor posts on Facebook and on individual phones. I get somewhat discouraged to think it's been 2 1/2 years, and am not where I'd like to be. I've been feeling that I've plateaued this past year, and by recording memories from the past few years, I hope to remind myself of the miracles and blessings I've experienced, and continue to bring my hope and determination into my life.
Right now, I'll just leave a few links to the articles. I'm not really writing this for others to read, but as I said earlier I'm trying to get everything in one place for my own record. This is the clinical trial and the article about the neural stem-cell research I was mentioning earlier. The world of medicine is incredible, I'm sure I'll post more about other research and progress being made in SCI world, but this is what I've got for starters.

Also for my own keep sake I'll attach links to the videos Laura made on my first and second year anniversary. She totally surprised me with the first video, it literally made me ball like a baby the first time I watched it. These videos though are the perfect reminder of the progress I've made and the tender mercies in my life. Love that sister of mine. 

Links to Laura's Videos that make me look way cooler than I am:

First Year

Two Year Too Strong