when He left me

GOTCHA - I bet you clicked on this link thinking that I'd be talking about past relationships or some drama like that. Well, sorry to disappoint, but I'm not talking about break-ups. The "He" that I'm talking about in the post title is capitalized because I'm referring to my Savior, Jesus Christ. Just wait, I'll explain.

Actually, the night of my accident I was physically left alone for quite some time. After the impact of the fall everything was fuzzy and I couldn't breathe. I guess that makes sense though; I had just fallen 80 plus feet and so the wind was literally knocked out of me, leaving me literally breathless. After receiving a blessing, a type of prayer given by my friend, everything was clear. I don't remember a word spoken in the prayer, but from the moment he said "amen" and on I was completely aware of the situation - where I was and the pain I was experiencing. Both good an bad I guess, I can remember my accident, but also the pain experienced. Once we felt I was stable enough, he had to hike up and around the cliff front, leaving me completely alone. Honestly I have no idea how far he had to hike, but I was left alone for awhile. After falling 80 feet, shattering bones in my legs and feet as well as my back and severely burning my hand, I was left alone at the bottom of the cliff. It was necessary though to receive help, we had no cell phones on us and no way to call for help down at the bottom of Cougar Cliffs.

Part of the hike up and around the cliff.

The images are ingrained in my memory so vividly, especially looking up at the night sky. I began thinking: you know what the pain isn't too bad, I can breath. And so I attempted to roll over. It was more of an attempt to throw my body over to kneel and offer a prayer of gratitude and a little help. Every time I tried to turn myself over I felt like what I think a young baby feels when they are learning to roll over. You put all your momentum into rolling and don't go anywhere. I tried again, and again, and finally decided that it was okay if I prayed while on my back. Looking up at the night sky, I prayed. I can't even remember all I prayed for, but I was alone for quite some time and just kept praying. I expressed gratitude that I could even pray and that I was awake, and I prayed for comfort - both from being alone, and also from the pain. At one point I remember praying and thanking Heavenly Father for my life and promising that I would devote my life to him, yes one of those desperate pleas, the type you see in movies. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was immediately paralyzed upon impact and these injuries would be permanent. If I had known that at the time maybe I would have prayed to run and walk again, or try to strike some kind of deal like: if I'm really good and faithful in the hospital will you make my legs work again and let me run again. 

One of the pictures my search and rescue took, almost a year after my accident.You can't tell in the picture how rocky and slanted the ground actually is, but I promise it was. Right where the rope is leading towards is where I landed. 

Honestly, I was too afraid that bones were sticking out of my legs, so I refused to look down at my legs - literally not once. I never looked at my legs, at least not that I remember, until after surgery almost a day or two later. By the time I woke up from the anesthesia and ventilator. And even then, my legs were HUGE, swollen and discolored- yikes. But as I said earlier I remember a lot from the rescue. I remember joking with the paramedics and all the staff that surrounded me, I remember them cutting off all my favorite: chacos, harness, sports bra - they even took off my jewelry, which never made it's way back to me. I also remember laying there stressing over how I'd have to call my coaches and tell them I wouldn't be making it to Arizona for our first outdoor track meet, as well as asking the medics if they "thought I could run in my race Thursday". Haha how dumb I must have sounded. They probably didn't laugh because I was funny, but because of how unrealistic my comments were. 

My medical team that transferred me from Las Vegas to Denver. This was just the start of the transferring & honestly one of the most painful days in my rehabilitation. I know they were doing their best to transfer me gently but woof. That day was filled with a lot of pain medication and even ended in some tears. 

Back to laying there alone, it was necessary for me to be left alone, in order call for help. Later, almost a year and a half or so into my recovery there was a time when I felt left alone, but this time it was not a physical abandonment it was emotional and spiritual. It was when I was struggling with the deepest depression and grief from the effects of my accident. As I've reflected back on that time during my deepest depression and question God, why would he leave me comfortless when he has promised us that he "will NOT leave us comfortless". 

Time has this way of giving you perspective though, and as I looked back on those difficult times, I realized something. Just like my friend had to leave me for a awhile - it was so in the long run he could get me help. I think sometime our Savior does the same thing, it may seem as though He has left us or is not immediately coming to the rescue or giving us the answers we are so desperately praying for. He does this because He is trying to help us in the long run. It might be so we can develop traits and characteristics we will need down the road; it may be to give us understanding and compassion. Looking back, when I felt the Savior had left me alone during my darkest of times, I now realize he was teaching me about depression amongst other lessons. He was teaching me so I could understand a portion of what others feel. As painful and difficult as that experience was, I'm grateful that He helped me understand what others feel. I had never faced real sorrow, grief or dealt with depression until after my accident and even then, the real depression wasn't until a year and half after my accident and hospitalization.

Another picture my Search & Rescue Team sent me once again helping me see and understand the terrain. And the spot at the bottom where I laid paralyzed.

During that time, I know He was mindful of me and knew what I was struggling with; but in order to have an understanding of what others feel He had to leave me comfortless. It makes me think of my own parents who had to watch me struggle so many times. Sometimes there was nothing they could do. During the nights I cried out in physical pain, or struggled to transfer myself into my chair they wanted so desperately to help and fix it all, but they didn't and couldn't. Other reasons were because of stubbornness.

We would go visit the Red Rock Amphitheater on the weekends when friends came into town. And at the start of the parking lot there was this giant hill. I refused to let anyone help me push up the hill, and I'm sure it was difficult for my family to watch me struggle up the giant hill, but they allowed me to struggle. It made them look like terrible people for not helping this girl in a wheelchair up a hill, haha. But I'd get mad if they helped and I also think they knew it would help me grow stronger, not just physically but mentally too. In the same way my parents watched me struggle, our Heavenly Father sometimes must watch us struggle, He had to watch His perfect son struggle and face more pain than any of us can even comprehend, in order to complete the Atonement.

Honestly, I'm crying right now typing this. And I don't cry very often, so I'm rather surprised. But it's not a sad or angry cry, it's one of those grateful cries, the ones  that I had experienced early on in ICU. This is that same type of cry. These tears only reconfirm my Savior's love and why it felt as though He left me comfortless at the time - it was so I could learn and understand.

Pictured: My life flight crew who made it possible for me to get to the best care ASAP. Aaron, the paramedic who held my hand the whole ride to Las Vegas, Jan, the nurse who I remember charting and pumping me with medication and Kipp, the pilot who landed that helicopter in conditions that were nearly impossible. 

March 12, 2012 was the date of my initial injury, and ten days later, on March 22, I was transferred by medical jet to Colorado to begin rehabilitation at Craig Hospital, where I remained in the hospital until the end of June. Early on in the hospital I wasn't allowed to leave until I had passed some "certifications", basically just proving that my family and I could manage my wheelchair safely outside of the hospital setting. Early on after my accident, I was blessed with an outpouring of love and comfort from those around me, but also from God. I felt so much love and peace from Him. 

Once I became more aware of the dates and times, I realized that General Conference was coming up. For those of you who don't know what General Conference is I'll briefly explain. So I'm a Christian, but also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-Day Saints, or more commonly know as Mormons. And in our Church we believe that God has once again called Prophets and Apostles as He did during the time of Christ's ministry on earth. And so twice a year the church gathers "together", via internet and television, etc. to listen to messages that Christ's Prophets and Apostles have prepared. And we call this assembly or event General Conference. 

Couldn't find this original picture. But just hanging out at the hospital
156 weeks ago listening to General Conference on the hospital
patio in the sunshine, and on many drugs. Hence why my eyes are
a droopy kind of closed.

Early on after arriving in Denver, I realized General Conference was coming up. I hadn't been cleared to leave the hospital, so I hadn't been allowed to leave and attend church. Members would bring the sacrament to me in my hospital bed on Sundays, but I had yet to attend church or leave the hospital. When I remembered General Conference was coming up I got so excited. The bible teaches us that God speaks to His children through Prophets. And with General Conference rapidly approaching and Prophets and Apostles talking, I knew Heavenly Father had a message for me during this difficult time in my life. And boy did he ever - I felt like almost every talk given was for me, but especially a talk by Henry B. Eyring, titled Mountains to Climb. It was unreal how specific this message was to me at the time. I'll include a few quotes but you should definitely click on the video and link to read or listen or watch his message. It's the perfect message for anyone going through difficult times or even good times. As I've reread this talk, it is honestly one of the best talks I've ever heard, and it was given during such a pivotal point in my life. 

"Many of you are now passing through physical, mental, and emotional trials that could cause you to cry out as did one great and faithful servant of God I knew well. His nurse heard him exclaim from his bed of pain, 'When I have tried all my life to be good, why has this happened to me?' "

"My purpose today is to describe what I know of how we can lay that unshakable foundation. I do it with great humility for two reasons. First, what I say could discourage some who are struggling in the midst of great adversity and feel their foundation of faith is crumbling. And second, I know that ever-greater tests lie before me before the end of life. Therefore, the prescription I offer you has yet to be proven in my own life through enduring to the end."

"Now, I wish to encourage those who are in the midst of hard trials, who feel their faith may be fading under the onslaught of troubles. Trouble itself can be your way to strengthen and finally gain unshakable faith."

Seriously?! He might as well have been saying my name in that talk. It felt so personal and direct. And once again knowing he was a messenger of God, I felt like God was speaking directly to me. 

"One of the speakers at her funeral was President Spencer W. Kimball. Among the tributes he paid, I remember one that went something like this: 'Some of you may have thought that Mildred suffered so long and so much because of something she had done wrong that required the trials.' He then said, 'No, it was that God just wanted her to be polished a little more.' I remember at the time thinking, 'If a woman that good needed that much polishing, what is ahead for me?' "

Click on this video to watch and listen to a short portion of his talk or click on the link below to listen, read or watch the whole talk. I promise it's worth your time, if not call me and I'll make it up to you by baking you a cake. 

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/mountains-to-climb?lang=eng

Now that my third anniversary has just passed, I know General Conference is just around the corner. And while I might not be in the midst of one of my most difficult trials in the hospital, desperately praying for comfort and answers, I do still have questions. That is why I am looking forward to General Conference once again. When I was little I looked forward to General Conference because it meant I didn't have to wear a dress and go to church; I could stay at home in my PJs on my couch and watch and listen to General Conference. But now it is so much more than just "no church". For anyone who would like to watch click on the link below. There will be Prophets and Apostles of God talking for two days! Both Saturday and Sunday, for those who know about General Conference and were planning on watching anyway, remember what a blessing it is and go into it seeking answers and comfort. Just like three years ago, when I felt like Henry B. Eyrings message felt like it was just for me, I know that there will be a message or multiple messages just for you. 

How to watch General Conference