P E A C E

The last two months have been a nonstop beautiful blur of family & nature. Last week we went to bed after midnight every night because we were just trying to fit everything in before my surgery. I'll do a photo dump recap here soon, but I've barely been able to keep up. Initially, I had my foot surgery planned for May, but with the Today Show whirlwind and a few other opportunities that came up & I learned more details of the recovery and realized I wasn't mentally prepared. The next available time that worked with our summer vacations and schedule turned out to be July 22nd. So here we are mid July post surgery and finally having time to catch my breath. 

These past few months of summer have been so beautiful, but in the back of my mind my surgery kept creeping into my thoughts. Most days, I didn't talk about surgery because it made me so anxious. There were many times I went back and forth contemplating if I should really get the surgery or reschedule again for the third time. 

After my initial accident, my left foot had to be reconstructed with screws and k-wires. It was a hot swollen mess. For almost 3 months I wore my stylish hospital moon boots, until my wires were taken out and then I could wear shoes agzin. Even then I had to get used to shoes that worked for paralyzed feet and for the first year I wore two different size shoes because the trauma left my foot so swollen. Over the years, my feet have been a constant source of pain. Not only am I fighting paralysis, but each night I was dealing with extreme pain from a day work of walking, wheeling and crawling. 

For years, I dealt with painful spasming & curled toes. Five years ago, I thought we found a solution when we cut the majority of my toe tendons in my R & L feet. Although it provided some relief, there was still a lot of pain and over the years my toes started to curl again with even more intense pain. It became a discussion of quality of life & we decided that surgery was the best option again. Even though it's a very intense surgery & six week recovery leaving me unable to weight bear and walk, we have hope that in the long run surgery will help alleviate pain. It will cause more pain before it gets better & right now I'm in the more pain phase as I lay in bed 3 days post surgery & in a lot of physical & neurological pain. 

Leading up to the surgery I've had a lot of concerns. Last time I had this invasive of a surgery, I was inpatient in the hospital. It was my full-time job to heal and take care of myself. Now I'm a mother with responsibility to care for my toddler and we are still working on communication. Not only was I worried how I'd care for myself & my family, but I was worried about experiencing PTSD from the pins and recovery. 

Over the last few weeks I'd been praying for peace going into the surgery. There wasn't one moment of overwhelming peace, but I had multiple tender opportunities this last week leading up to surgery. Finally a few days before surgery, I fully acknowledged and faced the reality. I knew my days were numbered before my surgery & I'd no longer be able to walk, weight bear, stand or swim. 

Then these two wonderful women, Meg & Georgia, planned a women's hike at Albion Basin. I knew I wanted to join them, but it wasn't until I got my surgery time, the Friday before, that I was sure that I could attend. Luckily my surgery check in time was 2:15 PM and the hike started at 6 AM - which meant I started my day at 4:30 AM.

I couldn't imagine a more perfect day before going in for surgery. As I got going that morning, I realized I should have invited some friends, who knew me and my abilities, to come with me and help me hike. But the weekend had been so busy going with going nonstop hiking, adventuring, & swimming that I hadn't had much time to reach out and ask anyone to join me. 

This turned out to be such a blessing, if I had come with friends, I most likely wouldn't have met Sarah & Vanessa. When I showed up in the parking lot early that morning, I met a few other women. After asking Meg which direction to head so I could get a head start these two girls offered to hike with me. We became quick friends as the hung back with me as I slowly made my way along the trail. As I learned more about Sarah & Vanessa they quickly became my angels helping me along.

We were far behind the group and the trail kept getting steeper and rockier, but these two stuck with me all the way to the top. From words of encouragement to holding my crutches as I crawled up a rocky paths to helping stand up when I'd slipped and fallen they were with me all the way to the top. 

We missed the group yoga & mindfulness session, but Meg & Georgia did a mini repeat of what they'd shared earlier. As Meg played Ben Rectors song Peace while she guided us through some yoga the tears just came dripping down. It was a gentle & peaceful cry. I'd been praying for peace before going into this surgery and right there in that magical mountain morning moment listening to these words my heart was filled with the peace I'd been seeking. 

I used to think that there was a place I would rather be
'Til I got there enough times to realize that you are only ever HERE

. . .

Through the ups and downs, I have figured out

You find peace where you MAKE IT

Scenery won't change it

And I wasted so much time, thinkin' I could ever find

Enough of anything

That would bring me peace
So I found peace with who I am now

It's the only me I'll ever be, I've found

There are other places, there are a million other faces

But I found peace with who I am now

It was such beautiful morning in the mountains and the perfect last hike (for awhile). Georgia hiked back down with me and it was another one of those tender mercies of the day. She was filled with such grace & wisdom and our conversation just rolled on as we made our way back to the parking lot. Once I was alone at my car I was going to hop in and drive off, but I stopped and got back out and sat in the shadows on the mountain. My heart and soul just felt so full; I felt so uplifted and strengthened by the many women I met that morning. After a quick swim we headed back down to SLC for surgery and here's my
 PRE OP PHOTO OP:

There was an outpouring of prayer that day. I had already received the peace I was seeking before my surgery. But the prayers of others didn't stop there. The Lord truly knows what we need before we even ask. I had been so anxious about the pins that were supposed to be sticking out of my toes when I woke up.

When I finally came out of the anesthesia fog and the nurse told me I didn't have any pins, I felt such relief and peace. I remembered Matthew 6:8 "...your Father knoweth what thing ya have need of before ye ask Him."I know that the Lord was mindful of my and all the prayers on my behalf. And I didn't even think about praying for no pins, but when I woke up I realized that was just what I needed to help make this recovery calmer and more PEACEFUL.

When I Call Myself Disabled

Recently there was a campaign on Instagram #WhenICallMyselfDisabled and as I read these other posts they struck a cord within myself and resonated to my core. What a weird world that trends happen through hashtags, which used to be known as the pound key. Haha I think about these kids now growing up and listening to automated messaged and when they ask you to press the pound key and they aren't going to know what to do. But I am so grateful for technology and this online community that helps me feel less alone as a walking and wheeling paraplegic.  

#WhenICallMyselfDisabled I am CLAIMING and OWNING my disability. There is great power and strength when we claim and own our experiences and circumstances. It’s finally accepting myself and by more fully accepting myself, I hope the world can more fully accept and see me.

It’s taken me years to fully accept and love myself in my chair & crutches. But I’m finally done trying to pretend that this disability is going away or getting better or that I am “normal”. This disability is apart of my physical body and will be apart of me for the rest of this life. But I know that I am so much more than just my physical appearance - 

WE ALL ARE.

My disability has brought me through the depths of grief and I’ve come out to the other side refined, with deepened understanding, compassion and strength. I’ve learned that the characteristics that make me who I am have been deepened and refined BECAUSE of my physical disability.

When I call my self disabled, I am accepting all of me inside and out. I’m also acknowledging all that I am ABLE to do despite my disability. It takes hard work, adaptation and creativity, but I’m still CAPABLE of getting out there living life and being seen.

Even though I’m DISABLED I’m still CAPABLE!

My disability may leave me with less physical function, but I have never be MORE - more loving, more compassionate, more brave, more vulnerable, more empowered, more understanding, more connected, more EVERYTHING.

.

#disabled #disability #disabilityawareness #capeABLE #sci #spinalcordinjury #babewithamobilityaide #walkingpraplegicbutstillparaplegic #claimingmyexperience #owningmyexperience #claimingmysci #OWNIT

ANNIVERSARY ADVENTURES

July 9th is our day. The day we celebrate us and although us has become a bigger family, I still want to focus on where it all began. The evening turned out to be quite the adventure, but it's the same in life so why should our anniversary be any different.

H A P P Y   A N N I V E R S A R Y  

Turns out they were giving away free Chick-fil-a for our wedding anniversary, all you had to do was show up dressed like a cow. 

On our actual anniversary we had planned for our favorite Waffle Love Biscoff icecream waffles, but turns out they are closed on Tuesday's. Who is closed on a TUESDAY?! So we went to our second step of our plans for a classy dinner at Chick-fil-a. When we got in the car to pick up for Crumbl Cookies, when suddenly I realized my crutches weren't in the car. I quickly realized the only place they could be was a field at this park we'd taken pictures at the night before. So we grabbed our cookie to go & rushed over to search for my crutches. It was an anniversary miracle because Trevor found the crutches right where we'd forgotten them.

The weekend before our anniversary we were in Park City with some of our family and we had a chance to sneak away with Laura & Christian on our last night for a little sunset hike. 

⚠️WARNING: Sappy post ahead. Last night, after our whirlwind of an evening, we were talking about our anniversary, love and relationship. I told Trevor that every day feels like our anniversary because of how well he constantly loves me.

.

H A P P Y   A N N I V E R S A R Y 

to the boy who has always been able to see my heart and been the wind beneath my wings or should I say legs.

.

I’m not even going to be able to scratch the surface on our relationship & love. All I can say is Trevor is as close to perfect as it gets. He loves me so completely and never complains or makes me feel like a burden - even with my circumstances and limitations. Trevor is always there through the good and bad. From pushing his comfort zones and supporting me by going on live television to grieving with me and holding me as I cry every time, while always finding ways to make me laugh every day.

.

We adventure, serve, laugh, cry & love our way through life. Marrying Trevor has been the single best decision I’ve made and has truly been the greatest blessing. Thomas S. Monson said “DECISIONS DETERMINE DESTINY” and babe you are not only my best decision, but my destiny. God knew what he was doing when he put you in my path after my accident. You never knew the “old Brittany” and that never mattered. You just loved me for me regardless of my abilities.

.

#TEAMTREVORFOREVER #BRITTANYANDTREVORFOREVER

While in PC we went on a few hikes and on one particular hike we found this wedding overlook that had reservations in a pile at the end of the aisle. We decided to have our own little wedding including walking down the aisle, kiss dip & piggy backing. 

Favorite thing to do together?

MRS: Anything outdoors - hiking, walking, wheeling, mountainboarding.

MR: Enjoying the outdoors.

What's the biggest change?

MRS: Our spiritual & physical habits. We’ve been in a good morning routine where we put God first, move our bodies and it's helped a lot since Will has been sleeping through the night during this last year.

MR: Starting Come Follow Me. We’ve been studying the gospel as a family & individuals better than we ever have. We’ve grown together more emotionally and spiritually. We are very in sync in our moods and am even more sympathetic when Brittany is having a hard time. 

High moment/Good memory?

MRS: Hawaii vacation - everything was accessible swimming with Will was so fun. Really pool time in general became a magic time where I could hold Will & interact with our little family (the first time this happened was in the summer in Vail). 

MR: A collaboration of memories watching Will learn to walk and gain independence. I thought he couldn’t get any cuter, but he did with his ability to get around on his two little feet. 

4. Low moment/Bad memory?

MRS: As I have new experiences especially with Will there are new events and experiences that I grieve. The last 9 months have been really hard battling pretty regular waves of grief.

MR: The past few weeks have been pretty tough. Just due to the realization of Britt’s circumstances & not being able to experience things the way we would like to. 

5. What was the biggest concern or challenge you faced?

MRS: It all is related to my accident & SCI. I've really struggled with circulation in my feet and extreme pain in my feet and toes. So I have my surgery scheduled and hopefully that helps in the long run with pain and walking. Also feeling very anxious and worried about timing and more children.

MR: Learning to be okay with our circumstances and even though we can’t do everything the way we want to we can still enjoy life and be happy. 

6. What are you looking forward to?

MRS: Growing our family and finding/moving/building a house that is accessible WITH A YARD - a girl can dream.

MR: Growing our family and potentially starting a new job and a house.

7. Did you start any traditions, hobbies or habits?

MRS: I’m really trying to start our own holiday & birthday traditions as a family. So we had our first “christmas eve” soup, nativity, for & movie night. It’s also become a tradition to do Whole30 once a year to cleanse & reset our bodies.

MR: We’ve stated our Friday pizza & movie night with Will, which has become a non-negotiable for Will & me. And Saturday waffles has become a thing especially with mini chocolate chips & cookie butter. We also try to get outdoors every Saturday morning. 

8. What has been your favorite place you've been?

MRS: Hawaii & weekend in Vail.

MR: Hawaii

9. What is your favorite foods or places to eat?

MRS: We’ve become pretty obsessed with cookie butter. 

MR: Discovered Waffle Love with biscoff cookie butter and a giant scoop of ice cream on top - it’s magical. 

10. What are your goals?

MRS: Working on patience in general esp. as we work towards a house & growing our family. I’m still working on setting specific goals for myself, but a goal for our family is to continue our morning routine of putting God first & moving our bodies. And then just continuing to create a safe & loving home where our family can learn, grow & develop. As well as trying to eat cleaner with less added sugars etc. while still enjoying the finer things in life - aka COOKIE BUTTER.

MR: Continue to search for a career that I am passionate about and can still support my family with. I want to keep developing myself as an individual through more frequent study of the gospel. And I want to continue to learn how to be more handy around the home, but we need a home to be able to do that since there’s only so much you can do to a rental. So I guess that makes a home a goal too. Keep up exercise regimen and see a difference and maintain my ability to speak vietnamese. 

11. Where have you lived?

MRS: I wished I’d just accepted that we were going to be here over two years when we first moved in and made this place home right off the bat. I’m just finally really starting to like our (rental duplex) and now we know changes are coming in the future months esp. As we grow our family we need more space inside & a yard!

MR: In TEC Management’s rip off.