Every time I try to sit down to write a new post my heart and mind are overwhelmed. These past few months have been jam packed! I'm overwhelmed with emotion, but also overwhelmed with things to do. From wedding planning to more speaking, moving apartments to job searching and of course constant doctor appointments and another surgery. But I decided since I'm recovering from surgery that I'm allow to take some time and blog about one of the many many topics in my mind.
This is going to take some time to sort through what I've been thinking and feeling - both these past few weeks and months. This has been a season filled with a lot of change. As I wrote in an earlier blog post : "This fall I'm really trying to let my old life pass away. It was beautiful, filled with tones of golds, amber, and fiery reds and burnt oranges. Just like autumn, my life with running was beautiful. But that time has passed, and I have to allow those leaves to fall in order to make room for new life - my new life in a wheelchair. This year, as fall approaches I'm doing my best to appreciate all the colors of my old life, while at the same time realizing I have to let them fall and let them go, leaving room for new growth."
Underneath all this metaphorical and physical snow, I've planted seeds for my new life. I just never imagined it to turn out so beautiful. At the time I never imagined this is what my "spring blossoms" and "new leaves" would look like. It's beautiful and refreshing just like the real season of spring is after a hard winter of death and change. Between getting back together with Trevor to completing the rappel in St. George to getting engaged, finishing my first marathon on my mountainboard and SO MUCH MORE - life has felt like a whirlwind lately - filled with a sense of accomplishment, closure, growth, beauty, joy, connection and love.
The final piece to letting go and fully moving forward was going back to Cougar Cliffs. If you are reading this blog you probably know the gist of what happened and saw either the video or an article - or one of the many photos we all posted.
I talk about all of this in my BYU radio interview, but initially we were uncertain having reporters there because I just had no idea how I was going to feel - or how my family would feel. From our arrival at the cliff that morning, I was once again immediately filled with peace. It had rained early that morning leaving the air crisp and clean. Jan, my life-flight nurse, had been running circles getting every duck in a row to make the rappel possible. And Mike, my search and rescue lead, worked diligently as well to make sure the rappel was perfectly safe and secure. There had been months of work before March 12th, 2016 could come about.
One of my favorite parts of that day was getting to meet the many other volunteers that had come out that night. One specific example is Rob - Rob was there that night 4 years before and show up once again to be by my side again. From the very top of the cliff Rob was beside me as we rappelled down together. They all volunteered their mornings and countless hours preparing and I can not thank them enough for being there!
Everything was set up upon our arrival but we did some interviews first. When the moment came to start I realized that I'd become afraid of heights. I mean this was no small cliff. That is what surprised me the most throughout this whole process. If I had seen this cliff during daylight and if I could have seen over the cliff edge before that first time - I never would have gone along with the rappel. But we can't live out lives by the "ifs, ands or buts". After finally getting my legs swung over the cliff edge and getting my feet planted against the cliff wall, I finally felt like I could focus on the rappel. Rob then told me: "to say hi to the camera". I looked around confused until I could focus on Rob's GoPro on his helmet. I told him: "well you just got about 10 minutes of my 'horrified' face on film" - because let me tell you again, getting over the edge of that cliff was hard and much scarier than I had anticipated.
It wasn't until I reached the bottom that the search & rescue crew reaffirmed to me that it really was me rappelling the whole time. I was a little nervous about this at the top too. When I had asked to go back and rappel Cougar Cliff, I just figured it'd be more of a belay - where they'd control my speed and I'd just kind of sit there and control my legs. But Mike reminded me that I asked them to rappel the cliff! I knew I was safe with a belayer at the bottom and an extra secure line at the top, but just knowing that I'd still be the one controlling my speed was slightly frightening but also empowering - and of course they'd be there this time if anything got out of control.
Another detail that surprised me was the weight of the rope and how the weight changed as I continued my descent. Now I had done rappels before but never to this extent and height and so this detail was something I was completely unprepared for the first time around. This second time, Mike reminded me of the weight of the rope and even gave me a little rappelling refresher course because it'd been 4 years since I'd done any significant rappels.
Reaching the bottom of the cliff and being told that it was all me the whole way down and that I had it under control the whole time, made me feel extra pumped! Part of the reason I wanted to go back and do this rappel again was to show others that with the RIGHT PEOPLE and RIGHT EQUIPMENT it's totally possible. I received many negative and somewhat hurtful comments about my accident from people who knew nothing about the details of my accident or those involved. And I tried not to let them get to me, but once again all of this was not for them - it was for me. It was so I could come back and CONQUEROR COUGAR CLIFF. I really wanted to go back and show this injury and cliff who's boss! I needed to go back and rappel again to finish CLAIMING this experience. It's been a rollercoaster journey through grief and self-discovery, acceptance and pushing limits, patience and forgiveness.
Four years later, I stood again at Cougar Cliffs a changed girl - not because of my paralysis or my wheelchair or crutches - but because of the characteristics and attributes that have been refined, developed and deepened. Many people have tried to tell me what this experience should mean: use safety equipment, choose your friends wisely, one moment can change your life etc. But to be a little blunt and honest - those people have no right to tell me what my experience means. I mean yes, literally life can change in a moment. But the only thing that changed in a moment was my neuro-motor function. I was paralyzed in a moment, but I was not changed in a moment. I did not become this new "Brittany Fisher" the moment I hit the ground and was paralyzed. It was in the small decisions. It was the small decisions I had made before my accident, as well as the many day to day decisions in the weeks, months and years that followed that led me to where and who I am today. As Thomas S. Monson said: "decisions determine destiny" which was also the theme of last year's anniversary post that if you missed you can read it here.
You get to decide how your experiences will shape and define you. No one else gets to decide - not even the experiences themselves.
When you allow your experiences to define or claim you it should only be temporary. It's totally okay to be defined by it early on because you are still processing and trying to figure out what to do with it all. But when the right time comes and you are ready to claim the experience and be defined as more than just a survivor, more than just the after-math of this experience - that is when the real power come in.
After this anniversary rappel, I didn't expect to feel so FREE. But I did, I felt free from everything in life that had been weighing me down the past four years. I felt free from the cliff and even from my injury. And although the affects of my injury will continue with me for the rest of my life, it no longer defines me! I came, I saw, I conquered. That is pretty much how the morning went down. I just feel so blessed and fortunate to have such a loving and supportive Life-Flight team and Search & Rescue Crew that was willing to go back and help me claim this experience.
Jan surprised me with the Life-Flight Helicopter coming in right before I started the rappel. It was so cool to see the helicopter come out of no where and land in same spot it did four years ago - and I didn't know it at the top, but Kipp, my original life-flight pilot, was the one flying. I was even more pleasantly surprised when I saw Kipp next to the helicopter as we made our way down the steep siding of the cliff. This time around I had a different ride out. Another search and rescue crew member took us back out and around to the top in a little Razor. This experience also put into perspective what would have happened if they couldn't land the Life-Flight helicopter that night. They would have had to board me up and take me out in a bumpy, bumpy jeep ride. Now the pain really began to set in during the helicopter ride to Las Vegas, so I can only imagine what a bumpy jeep ride would have felt like that night.
After we got back to the top of the cliff we packed up shop, grabbed some grub and then stopped by the helipad over at Dixie Hospital. Kipp, my original life flight pilot and Jan gave my parents a little tour of the little medical helicopter. Towards the very end of our tour, Kipp received a call on his walkie of a rappelling accident over a Cougar Cliffs. Everyone was in complete shock. Literally 2 hours before we had all been there and then we come to find out this: http://www.stgeorgeutah.com/news/archive/2016/03/13/djg-rappeller-plummets-from-cougar-cliffs-hours-after-rescuers-complete-ceremonial-rappel/#.VuXh-h5MHqB
So the whole search & rescue team and life-flight team was right back where they started the day. There is just so much more to write and say about that day and the people involved. But really what it all came down to at the end of the day was gratitude and peace. I felt such peace and freedom after completing the rappel, I'll never be able to fully express those personal feelings. And then just gratitude - gratitude for every person there that day because in one way or another they each helped save me Whether it was by physically being there the night of the accident or months and years down the road. My heart was just filled with gratitude and peace.
To bring it back to the beginning I'm just so grateful for beautiful seasons of fall in our life that must come to a close. As we let those seasons of our lives fade and pass away we are leaving room for new growth in our lives. My "winter" was very long and cold and took a lot of hard work. But the "spring blossoms" and "new leaves" in my life during this spring season has turned out to be so beautiful and totally worth it. It wasn't until I could finally let this season in life go that I could fully move forward. And boy am I grateful for the metaphorical and physical spring this year. Keep a close look out for my next blog post about my new "spring blossoms".
Now I'm adding one last plug because many of you have probably seen or heard commercials for the book being turned into a movie Me Before You. You know what, I read that book and I know what happens. During a time in my life when I was looking for help, especially from a fictional character in a book, the plot and ending let me down and is nothing to aspire to. The character in this book represents anything but #liveboldly hashtag the movie is promoting. Every single person has the potential to live a full and joyful life regardless of their illness or individual trials they may face in life. And the quote they keep replaying from the movie "I can make you happy" is quite honestly bull crap. It wasn't until after I went through my own darkness that I learned it didn't matter how many people were there to try and make me happy, I had to choose how my experiences would shape my future, I had to choose to love myself, I had to choose joy. I had to go through it all and CLAIM MY EXPERIENCES. I blogged about my own experience and struggle with depression and suicide over a year after my accident in my post here. But what makes me different from the character in the movie is that I choose joy and still choose joy every single day. Joy does not come automatically with an able body or a trial-free life. It is a choice each and every day.
What I've come to learn and see in my life is that not only am I living a full and joyful life, but that it is filled with EVEN MORE love, meaning, joy and connection than it did as an "able bodied" 21 year old. Yes, I will always miss running and many of the other simple joys my "able body" allowed me. But life is still good, in fact it's better than good - my "spring blossoms" are bursting all over the place. My life is perfectly imperfect and I love it. One final plug about the movie, but loving someone with a disability does not make one a hero or heroine. Everyone should be loved for what is on the inside - the goodness and beauty of their heart, character, mind and spirit. I loved what one veteran told me while sitting at dinner at camp once. He said something along the lines of :what if we met everyone in a dark room. We wouldn't know what eachother looked like, the color of their hair or skin, if they were tall or short, heavy or skinny - we would only get to know their mind and ideas, their heart and spirit. Now Trevor may get a little upset with me for sharing this but in the adventure book he gave me when he purposed he wrote:
"Not only are you stunning on the outside, you have a loving and joyful heart and you care so deeply about so many people. Through your outer beauty takes my breath away, it is your inner goodness that continually draws me to you."
Life is not about our outward appearances - and you know what it's not even about the burdens, trails and illnesses we face. It is about our decisions and who we choose to become. In many ways it is those exact burdens, illnesses and trails that make our lives more rich, full of meaning, compassion, connection and understanding.
I love this picture Sami Jo captures during our engagements. I'd spent all evening struggling to standing, balance and hiding my crutches. Here at the very end she went against what I had said about my crutches and captured this picture. She captured imperfection of walking with crutches and one of my daily struggles of my life with a wheelchair and crutches. But in that exact same moment she captured the beauty and joy of it all.
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