when He left me

GOTCHA - I bet you clicked on this link thinking that I'd be talking about past relationships or some drama like that. Well, sorry to disappoint, but I'm not talking about break-ups. The "He" that I'm talking about in the post title is capitalized because I'm referring to my Savior, Jesus Christ. Just wait, I'll explain.

Actually, the night of my accident I was physically left alone for quite some time. After the impact of the fall everything was fuzzy and I couldn't breathe. I guess that makes sense though; I had just fallen 80 plus feet and so the wind was literally knocked out of me, leaving me literally breathless. After receiving a blessing, a type of prayer given by my friend, everything was clear. I don't remember a word spoken in the prayer, but from the moment he said "amen" and on I was completely aware of the situation - where I was and the pain I was experiencing. Both good an bad I guess, I can remember my accident, but also the pain experienced. Once we felt I was stable enough, he had to hike up and around the cliff front, leaving me completely alone. Honestly I have no idea how far he had to hike, but I was left alone for awhile. After falling 80 feet, shattering bones in my legs and feet as well as my back and severely burning my hand, I was left alone at the bottom of the cliff. It was necessary though to receive help, we had no cell phones on us and no way to call for help down at the bottom of Cougar Cliffs.

Part of the hike up and around the cliff.

Mammoth Lake: Blonde & Blind

First off, to understand this blog title you have to read all the way to the end. Well, it's been a crazy few days, but due to some sleepless nights I've had time to update my blog about my crazy anniversary weekend. Also that first photo is not mine, but I forgot to take a picture of the sign along the street on the way in to Mammoth Lakes that quoted John Muir: "The mountains are calling and I must go." How true it is, I've said it before, but I find nature and the mountains to be some of the most peaceful and healing places. 

Originally, I was scheduled to fly out to Mammoth Lakes, California on March 12 - the official date of my accident three years ago. The initial plan was for a friend to take me to the airport at 5:30 am. But right before I crawled into bed around midnight I got a text message telling me my flight was canceled. The alternate flight would take over 12 hours to get there including a five hour layover - bleh. So after looking up the driving directions, making a few phone calls and texts - I decided to drive. I called my sister, who surprising called me back - that's somewhat normal for a college student though. But turned out she had midterms and no one else was awake to answer my invite to drive out. So I decided I didn't want to wait, my car was already all packed up to head to the airport in 5 hours anyway. 

Three Years

Every day we make choices, sometimes these choices  barely seem to make a difference and others affect us for the rest of our lives. Almost three years ago, I made a choice. I made the choice to pick up my phone and agree to go rappelling. That decision has affected me every single day for the past three years and will continue to affect me for the rest of my life. Along with the topic of decisions I love what Thomas S. Monson says:

The reason I share my thoughts publicly is because I feel like the life lessons I've been learning apply not only to my physical injury but to many other aspects in my life - and perhaps they can apply to your life currently or help you find healing in your past. For those of you who know me well, know that I hate technology and am not an open personality when it comes to personal matters and emotions. And this blog is the total opposite of that - not only am I sharing my thoughts and emotions, but I'm doing so through technology and the internet.

I've said this before, but this blog started as a place for me and to keep track and record my thoughts and experiences both current and past. I've been amazed by comments that I've received. Most of them have not been shared publicly. There have been numerous friends, acquaintances, and strangers who have called, texted and sent private messages about how they've related to a post of mine. And so that is why, most of the time, I continue to post publicly - even though it goes against the Brittany I was before my accident. Now I'm not an open book, there are still a lot I've chosen not to share publicly, but for the most part I've chosen to be open, honest, and vulnerable, in hopes that my words may help someone else who may be struggling with the "why me's" of life.  

Letting Go

There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up means selling yourself short. It means allowing fear and struggle toilet your opportunities and keep you stuck. Letting go means freeing yourself from something that is no longer serving you. Giving up reduces your life. Letting go expands it. giving up is imprisoning. Letting of is liberation. Giving up is self-defeat. Letting go is self-care.
So the next time you make the decision to release something or someone that is stifling your happiness and growth, and a person has the audacity to accuse you of giving up or being weak, remind yourself of the difference. Remind yourself that you don't need anyone's permission or approval to life your life in the way that feels right. No one has the authority to tell you who to be or how to live. No one gets to decide what your life should look like or who should be a part of it. No one, but you."   -Danielle Koepke- 

There really is a big difference between giving up and letting go. I'm not giving up, but I'm learning to let go of my life before, to let go of running, and to move forward. I'm not giving up on running I'm just refocusing my goals and being realistic, while still pushing myself. I remember my first reevaluation back at the Hospital six months after my accident. While inpatient, I had a very rigorous schedule, I was told every hour of the day where to be and what to be doing. And every week on my schedule I had an appointment with Dr. Lester Butt. Yes that's his real name, and you know what, he's even funnier than his name.

Dr. Lester Butt & I back at my reevaluation