I Didn't Think Motherhood Was For Me

I never grew up dreaming of being a mother. Of course when I was younger I assumed marriage and family would come with time, but it was never something I dreamed of or really desired. One of my concerns while dating Trevor the first time was that I knew he wanted to get married and eventually start a family. At the time that was something I didn't want at all; I wasn't in a place where I could even imagine motherhood and I really didn't even want that to be apart of my future. 

Being a part of a religion and culture that focused on family and marriage, I felt out of place. But I didn't let it weigh on me because I was so focused on recovery and healing in my own life and just getting a grip on the "new" me and my "new" life. It was while I was nearing the end of my counseling and I really felt like we had worked through a lot of ISH in my life. But during one session I remember sharing my disinterest in motherhood and marriage and trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I've always felt different in that regaurd. We talked a length, but I didn't leave with a solution or new perspective.

Over the last few years, God found ways to soften my heart towards marriage and family. Not only did I become more open to these roles, but I realized that those roles as a wife and mother are a part of MY eternal and divine identity. With time and through study and prayer I began to learn more. I even started to share what I'd been learning at different speaking engagements; which only reconfirmed what I felt Heavenly Father had been teaching me. 

It always amazes me that over the past 5 years and my "talks" are always changing. I never use the same talk when I speak, I use lots of the same quotes, but the focus always seems to be changing. The last few years I've been learning that I am not defined by my my physical attributes, but by the spiritual attributes. But lately my study and learning has brought me to a deeper understanding of who I am. One of my favorite quotes has helped reinforce what I felt like I was being taught at the time.

"Female roles did not begin on earth and they do not end here...by developing a mother heart, each girl and woman prepares for her divine eternal mission of motherhood."

That first sentence is where it's at - "and they do not end here". Motherhood, even before I was pregnant, brought more peace and hope into my life - knowing that motherhood has always been a part of my divine nature, purpose and identity. Sometimes the thoughts of motherhood in a wheelchair/crutches/walker brings doubts and concerns into my mind. I'm still so unsure how I will accomplish tasks that are so simple for other women. I've grieved thinking about the moments I won't get to fully enjoy with an able body - running around with my children in the yard, standing and rocking a baby in my arms, hold a toddler on my hip while I stand and walk around. 

The reminder that female roles did not being here and they do not end here, helps reconfirm that I will one day have those opportunities because these females roles as wives, daughters, sisters and mothers are divine AND eternal. 

I know I will have these opportunities with my limited body on earth, but also eternally with a HEALED and WHOLE body - because of Christ's Atonement and the plan of salvation these opportunities "do not end here". 

Although I don't feel like the typical excited mother-to-be, I know if I love Cooper as my dog-child this much, I will definitely have more than enough of love for this lil nugget. And I take comfort in knowing that this role is apart of my divine identity and nature. So regardless of how I may be feeling from day to day, I know that it will all turn out alright because mothering is in my divine nature. I know it will still come with hard work and big learning curve, but that's what this life is all about. God has already softened and changed my heart over the years and I know that with his help I'll be able to handle motherhood regardless of my physical abilities.