E N D U R A N C E

It was a dream of mine to run marathons and even ultra marathons one day. I first started running long distance when I was 15 years old when I trained for my first marathon. I joined my high school xc team so I could run and train with other people. Every day after practice and meets I'd finish my miles and training for the day. Turns out marathon training made me a good xc runner and I quickly started running varsity. By the time the marathon arrived my coaches said bye and that they'd miss me on the team. I then learned that if I competed in the marathon, the following weekend, it would disqualify me from racing for my high school team. I had made it to the last week of training and decided not to the the marathon & stick with cross country - and that decision has forever changed my life.

(It's funny that I have so few pictures of something I spent so much time doing - running)

During those years before my accidebtI had been building my physical endurance . The longer I'd run in nature, the more I loved it. I felt like I had mastered the physical endurance and then my accident taught me about a different kind of endurance - spiritual endurance. 

Lately, I've been reminded of endurance again. These past few months have been physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally difficult and it has nothing to do with having a sweet baby boy and everything to do with my body. I'm just so tired of pushing my body of trying to walk and balancing life between a wheelchair, walker & crutches. I'm physically exhausted each day. My foot and back aches every night. On top of the paralysis my left foot was reconstructed after my accident. As if walking wasn't already hard enough with paralyzed muscles, my foot throbs even after a few moments of standing. 

For six years I've silently suffered through this pain. But it's too much to keep in. I stopped nursing so I could take some pain medication and I felt so much better. I hated that it made me feel so much better, but also loved it for the same reason and relief. As I'm typing this tears are swelling in my eyes because it's all just so hard.

For the past 2,262 I've been carrying this heavy burden - no days off no nights of relief. I've been struggling physically, but also spiritually to carry this burden. I may not be a long distance runner anymore, but I'm a spiritual endurance athlete because my condition has been with me every single day for the past 2,262 days. Each morning I wake up and use my arms to pull myself out of bed and up into my walker first thing. From the moment I wake up to the moment I lay down at night in pain from a long day, I never get a rest from paralysis.

Most of the time my optimistic outlook is truly how I'm feeling and doing most days. Optimism has always come pretty naturally to me, but I've also learned how to work on it as well. But I want to be honest and show all the sides to my accident and injury and lately I've just felt the burden of this trial and my body get heavier. Heavenly Father has truly strengthened me these last 6 years to endure and carry my burdens with his help. And I'm not sure what has changed these last few months. 

My thoughts led me to one word and question: ENDURANCE. How can I ENDURE - physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually? My circumstances aren't changing so how am I going to ENDURE?

The bible dictionary teaches that ENDURE - means to remain firm in a commitment to be true, DESPITE opposition and adversity.

Before my accident I had mastered physical endurance, but this is a different type of endurance - this was spiritual endurance. Before my accident I had been working on my spiritual endurance as I counseled with the Lord on serving a mission and learning to hear and accept God's will, as well as being taught many other lessons on patience, contentment and much more that helped prepare me for the trials and difficulties that would lay ahead. 

I loved this talk by Richard Maynes where he related spiritual endurance to physical endurance. He reminds us that:

“A testimony, like your body, needs to be in shape if you want it to endure.”

“Being in good physical condition comes at a price, and that price is dedication, perseverance, and self-discipline. Spiritual endurance also comes at a price. It is the same price: dedication, perseverance, and self-discipline.”

 I loved this reminder from Neil A. Maxwell when he shared:

"Endurance is not only the acceptance of things allotted us, it is to act for ourselves by magnifying what is allotted to us." 

My legs may not run and carry me the way they used to, but I've been allotted so much and I can't just accept my paralysis and sit on the sidelines. I'm spiritually training and running this marathon of life.

(At the finish of my 4th marathon in April)

Finally, not only has the Lord helped me carry this burden, he's helped me strengthen my spiritual endurance and he has given me Trevor. Who is the most supportive and understanding husband. He constantly loads my wheelchair, mountain board and endless gear, takes on extra responsibilities as well as stretches my feet and rubs knots out of my calves and lets me cry when I need to let it out and complain. My mom, sister, other family members and friends have been that same loving support that Jeffery R. Holland refers to:

"We can endure almost anything if we have someone at our side who truly loves us, who is easing the burden and lightening the load. "