Three Years

Every day we make choices, sometimes these choices  barely seem to make a difference and others affect us for the rest of our lives. Almost three years ago, I made a choice. I made the choice to pick up my phone and agree to go rappelling. That decision has affected me every single day for the past three years and will continue to affect me for the rest of my life. Along with the topic of decisions I love what Thomas S. Monson says:

The reason I share my thoughts publicly is because I feel like the life lessons I've been learning apply not only to my physical injury but to many other aspects in my life - and perhaps they can apply to your life currently or help you find healing in your past. For those of you who know me well, know that I hate technology and am not an open personality when it comes to personal matters and emotions. And this blog is the total opposite of that - not only am I sharing my thoughts and emotions, but I'm doing so through technology and the internet.

I've said this before, but this blog started as a place for me and to keep track and record my thoughts and experiences both current and past. I've been amazed by comments that I've received. Most of them have not been shared publicly. There have been numerous friends, acquaintances, and strangers who have called, texted and sent private messages about how they've related to a post of mine. And so that is why, most of the time, I continue to post publicly - even though it goes against the Brittany I was before my accident. Now I'm not an open book, there are still a lot I've chosen not to share publicly, but for the most part I've chosen to be open, honest, and vulnerable, in hopes that my words may help someone else who may be struggling with the "why me's" of life.  

Just one of the pictures of Cougar Cliff my search & rescue team
and life flight staff took for me to see what it looked like during the day.

Now that it's been three years I've had lots of time to reflect and have had many conversations with friends, family, other patients, and many strangers. After my accident, hospitalizations and initial diagnosis I never asked "why me". Although I did not want the diagnosis, I was weirdly at peace. It was never something I questioned early on. As time has passed, I've encountered many who ask questions like: didn't you have a feeling that you shouldn't have gone out that night, do you think God caused this to happen, are you going to walk again, do you wonder why this happened to you, what were you thinking?

Doesn't my body brace just go so well with everything? Not. 

My favorite is my sister's favorite phrase of: WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?  Laura will drop a piece of gum on the ground or forget her textbook in the car and and cry out ugh "why do bad things happen to good people". It my favorite because it's so hilariously sarcastic. Typically we hear that phrase when it comes to more serious matters, but she uses it in the simplest of dilemmas. I just can't help but laugh every time. All humor aside, I've begun to understand where these questions are coming from and when people genuinely ask and question how a loving God could allow tragedy in our lives. It is human nature to question why. Why me? Or why do bad things happen to good people? 

Kentucky Derby Marathoning with the sis.

What I'm about to share is my personal opinion and experiences, and are by no means fact nor do they reflect the views of anyone else. This is just how I feel and how I've coped with the "why me's" of life. During my first few weeks in the hospital, my Grandma send me an article from a church magazine called the Ensign. In that article was one of my favorite quotes that became my greatest source of peace, comfort, and answers through the chaos and change. 

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. God gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get your from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching and that generally entails discomfort and pain."

-Richard G. Scott-

That is just one reason for the questions and "why's" we have in our lives. Heavenly Father has sent us here to earth to learn and grow, and we cannot grow without trials and challenges. During the months leading up to my accident I had been struggling with the decision of whether or not to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. For months I struggled with this decision, and I kept getting a resounding NO. I had no doubt of my answer, and yet I still kept asking and trying to move forward with my mission paperwork. I was stubborn and thought that if since my desire was a good one that the answer should be yes. Finally after 6 months of struggling in prayer and preparing, I accepted the Lord's will and stopped asking and put an end on my mission papers. Three months after I had finally accepted that answer and found peace with not going, my accident happened. There was a part of me in the back of my mind that couldn't help but think about the "what if's". What if I had gone on a mission, what if I'd never met so-and-so, or what if I went home as initially planned instead of on this climbing trip before our track meet in Arizona ... I would have never gotten in this accident and I would still be able to run and walk. But this is another quote that has brought me comfort when those doubts and questions arise:

"I believe that mortalities supreme test is to face the why and then let it go, trusting humbly in the Lord's promises."

-Lance Wickman-

Check out my biker gloves and stylish leg braces.

As for the question, did God cause this to happen? I have a firm belief that He did not cause it, but I do believe He allowed it to happen. In many ways I've seen His tender mercies and miracles in my life - with the obvious one being just the fact that I survived the fall in general. God has given us free agency and choices in life and with that comes consequences-both the good and the bad. And as I said earlier some decisions, like what we eat for breakfast doesn't have much eternal consequence. But other decisions can affect us for the rest of out lives. Richard Edgley's statement helps me feel even more sure of a loving Heavenly Father, who allows us to face trials, but does not cause them and does not leave us comfortless or without help. He says:

"I do not believe our Father in Heaven causes tragedies and heartbreak in our lives."

While God does not cause these tragedies in our lives, He allows them to happen and then guides us and gives us experiences that stretch us and teach us. And boy, this accident has stretched me and taught me lessons that I could not have learned any other way. A few years back in an institute class my teacher was talking about children on God with physical disabilities and how perhaps before they came to earth Heavenly Father sat down and talked with them and asked something along the lines of this "would it be alright if I sent you down to earth in this body? It's not perfect, but with it you'll be able to touch all these people's lives etc." As time has passed and I've had multiple personal experiences. I've come to know that although God didn't cause this to happen, I really think I knew this would happen in my life before I ever came here to earth, in fact weirdly enough I believe I agreed to it. 

I don't know which looks worse, me or my scriptures - both pretty worn. Also, I spy my
favorite chap stick, can you?

As I ponder on that thought, I sometimes think no way I love running too much, I would never had agreed to this. But then I think of the story of the little girl with the fake pearl necklace that she loved dearly. When her father asked for her necklace, she was hesitant to give it to him because she loved it so dearly. But little did she know he had something better in return - He had a real pearl necklace for her instead. We cannot see the full picture and blessing that lay ahead of us. Even with just three years of hind-sight I'm still just beginning to see more of His picture for me. Before we came to earth, Heavenly Father told us of his plan for us. At church, we call this the Plan of Salvation or the Plan of Happiness. My knowledge of this plan has brought peace, comfort and answers to life's questions.

I believe in an honest, just, and loving God - one who would not deceive or trick us to come down to earth without a full understanding of what we were signing up for. I believe he showed us not only all the joys, but all the heartbreak and sorrow we could experience. Once again, Richard Edgley nailed this topic for me and worded it better than I ever could, when he said:

"Most heartache, pain and suffering we would not chose today. BUT WE DID CHOSE. We chose when we could see the complete plan...and if our faith and understanding were as clear today as it was when we first made the choice, I believe we would chose again."

Okay switching gears, well not fully, but this is a story I need to write down because until the other week I had totally forgotten about this time in my recovery. I was shaving my legs the other day when I had a major deja vu moment. During the first 2-3 months after my accident the nerve pain in my legs was so intense that I was unable to be touched and transferred without extreme neuropathic pain. It was so painful when someone just knocked my bed, let alone touched my legs. So yes, that means shaving was out of the question. When I moved over the the east wing, or was it the west wing? Either way, when I moved to the other side of the hospital I  began to take responsibility of my care and learned how to do simple tasks such as showering, dressing, using the bathroom etc. Another day, while in the shower I felt the warm water rush under my feet. I was in complete shock, I couldn't believe what I was feeling. I looked down to make sure what I was feeling was true. As the weeks passed nerve pain continued, but one day I decided to just conquer shaving my legs. It took multiple razors since I'd been in the hospital for over 3 months, think about 3 no-shave November's in a row. Yeah. Anyway, this time around I could manage the nerve pain as I shaved my legs. I hadn't thought about that experience learning to shave my legs again in years - but man I'm grateful it's no longer painful otherwise I'd be wearing pants the rest of my life. Once again it's another reminder of how far I've come and the seemingly small and yet giant obstacles I've faced along the way.

These were the only ways I could stand early on -
with robot machine, water or standing frame.

To wrap up this anniversary post I'm going to make a list of a few of the lessons I've learned these past 3 years - because lets be honest I love writing in lists and numbers. I'm sure I'm forgetting many lessons so these are just a few.

1. Although initially this injury is physical, it is just as much mental, as it is physical. If anything this injury has taught me more about the burdens that each of us carry that aren't as physical or obvious to the human eye.

2. There is a difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up is weakness, letting go is bravery.

3. Depression, sadness and grief are real and they are NOT signs of weakness. Facing them can be difficult but they are evidence of bravery and strength.

4. I've learned to be content - not lazy or aimless. Being content allows you to enjoy the season of life you are in right now - wherever that may be - but there also must be progress.

5. Pain demands to be felt - there are consequences and feeling associated with our decisions. We cannot stifle the bad or the sad without stifling the joy and happiness. 

6. Physical strength does not reflect inner strength. I am not my body. As humans we have a body and physical characteristics but those do not define or limit us. We are a soul and person - it is our characteristics that make us who we are.

7. Hope is a gift from God. A gift that was given to me early on, but there comes a time when you have to work for it and keep the faith and continue to hope.

8. Christ's Atonement cover all pain- that includes physical, spiritual and emotional pains. It is not only a spiritual strength but also physical. 

9. Scripture study can accelerate physical healing, calm our souls, and restore confidence and hope. Scriptures can take on new meanings during different stages in our lives as we face new trials and experiences.

10. Like a muscle faith must be exercised by trusting the Lord. As you trust in Him & His timing that muscle with become stronger.

11. Music, nature, and exercise are the best remedies for the body and soul. 

12. Not every question we have in this life will be answered and sometimes God doesn't tell us what to do, he gave us free agency for a reason. Sometimes there is no ONE right answer. 

13. Life is truly like a bike. In order to keep your balance you have to keep moving forward. There is a difference between being optimistic and obnoxious. I hope I'm never obnoxious. The fact is pain and sorrow are realities in this life. 

Looking back now over these three years I'm already seeing how everything is different, and that's only three years, I've still got a life time ahead. So with that, here of course my yearly video - which is actually a recap of the past 3 years. The first two years is courtesy of my incredible sister and then I added the last portion in for my video I use when I go speak with Team Neuroworxs - a panel of SCI injury patients that I've met through physical therapy. Most bloggers post about their wedding anniversaries or their children, but I post about the anniversary of my accident. So stay tuned for my next post of how I'm spending March 12th, the actual date of my accident. 

Enjoy - and happy three years of being alive to me!