Forgivness

"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive."

How right C.S. Lewis is - man he seems to nail it every time. I always thought I was a forgiving person; and I thought that I was good a giving others the benefit of the doubt etc. Being raised Christian and being raised in the LDS church, I had been taught about forgiveness and repentance throughout my childhood and into adulthood. 

It was a concept I was familiar with doctrinally, but never acquainted with personally - until my accident that is. And even then, early on, forgiveness came naturally. During my 18 week hospitalization, my whole demeanor was loving, forgiving and submissive. But that wasn't reality, that was just the beginning. I had no real idea of how this injury would affect me for the rest of my life, and the struggles and emotions I'd be facing in the months and years down the road.

There aren't many pictures of the "bad" times; I guess we only take pictures of what we want to remember.

When I began to experience the full sorrow and grief of my accident was also the time I began to experience the anger, hurt, and resentment. The more events that passed that I couldn't participate in, the more frustrated I got with my injury. The more seasons that passed without running the more painful it became.

When they talk about the stages of grief, it may be more correct to say reoccurring phases - I've learned it's not some step by step timed process. Anger came and went - and came again. Sadness came and went - only to resurface again and again. No one grieves the same and I had never suffered a loss like this before in my life so the grief process felt brand new to me.

One of the first pictures taken after I got out of bed for the first time. Yeah - not so glamorous. I still remember how incredibly hard it was to sit up and have the staff help put on that brace.

Six months into my recovery, I thought I didn't need to feel anger or sadness, I mean yes the occasional bad days and upset moments - but nothing like what everyone else expected me to feel. But boy was I wrong. No one is above going through those stages of feeling sadness, anger, denial etc. And it doesn't make you a weak or bad person for having those feelings. They are meant to be felt that is why they are a part of the grieving process. I honestly thought I was going to skip those stages, and that I didn't need to feel them, but they just came in their own time - not when everyone else was expecting me to feel them.

If I could give y'all one piece of advice, it would be to not judge or assume what others, who are experiencing grief or loss, are feeling or what they should be feeling. Instead of judging or assuming - just ask. And for those who have experienced traumatic loss know it's not a short nor linear process.

For me, I continued to feel new emotions and go through new and repeated phases of grief until well ... this year - and it's been three years. I think what is so difficult for many who experience loss, trauma, or tragedy is after the initial few months everyone is aware of your loss and trauma and they reach out to you and offer support. Then life goes on and it's as if nothing ever happened - for everyone else that is - but for those who personally experienced the loss or trauma, they are still living and going through those phases of grief.

This isn't even a "bad" time, I'm pretty sure I was loaded on pain medicine and out cold. 

Others may think that you seem like you're doing fine and don't want to bring up the painful topic of the loss or trauma. But to the individual experiencing grief and loss it seems that all of the sudden no one cares and no one asks how that loss is going and how you're coping. Just because the initial trauma is over doesn't mean there aren't long lasting affects.

Speaking from personal experience, it's always okay to ask. You may not always get an honest answer but it doesn't hurt to ask, it shows that you're thinking about them and that you care. Sometimes I may respond very simply and mean it. While other times it takes a genuine friend to listen past my short and simple responses. And then there's other times, like now, where I just seem to word vomit and can't hold it in.

Back to this concept and principle of forgiveness. My first-hand experience with forgiveness has taught me more than any Sunday School lesson ever could have. I've learned that forgiveness does not lessen the severity of the sin or wrong-doing, but it increases our faith in the Atonement. 

My first day of physical therapy. I'm pretty sure my eyes were closed the majority of the time during those first few weeks.

Forgiveness sounds like this beautiful and redeeming concept - and don't get me wrong it is. But it can be painful process, and for me after my forgiving heart stopped coming so naturally, I had to learn what it meant to truly forgive. I had to work at it, and am still continuing to work at it - it's a process. For me it was not instantaneous. I did not one moment say "I forgive you", and then that was it. It takes time and conscious sometimes continual effort.  I had to choose forgiveness. And still have to continue to choose forgiveness, sometimes on a daily basis. 

As I said earlier C.S. Lewis expressed it perfectly when he wrote: "forgiveness is a lovely idea...until they have something to forgive". There are a few other quotes about forgiveness that have helped me along, and to any of you struggling with forgiveness, maybe they can help you.

"Some hold grudges for a lifetime, unaware that courageously forgiving those who wronged us is wholesome and therapeutic."

"We need to recognize and acknowledge angry feelings. It will take humility to do this, but if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us." 

"Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better us the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments and nursing unhealed wounds...rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept"

"Forgiveness is a source of power. But it does not relieve us of consequences." 

"When we refuse to forgive, what we are really saying is that we reject or don't quite trust  the Atonement."

These pictures are some of the worst I can find, but they don't even being to show the struggle and pain experienced. Like I said before I think we don't take pictures during those times because we don't want to remember them.