Have Courage & Be Kind

Would you believe me if I told you that girl in the picture suffered from MDD? Okay, maybe not in that picture, but a few years down the road and one paralyzing accident later. Alright, I already know I'm going to have a major vulnerability hangover after this post and that is one of the many reasons I've been putting it off for so long. So if I don't respond to messages and such for a few hours or days, you'll know why. This quote definitely sums up this post:

Before my accident, running gave me confidence. I found peace and joy in running. Running made me feel strong and invincible. But that is not where the Lord wanted it to come from. He wanted that confidence, strength, joy and peace to come from Him.

I've briefly touched on this topic in previous blog posts, but never really got in too deep. Recently I've started sharing these more personal experiences with youth groups. I thought I was honest and authentic before, but lately I feel like I've taken it to a whole new level. Some how every time I speak it turns out completely different, but lately I've been sharing not only about my physical challenges, but also my emotional and spiritual battles with grief and depression. It wasn't until yesterday that I knew I needed to write it down. 

It's one thing to speak to a crowd where you don't know a single soul, it's almost easier to speak to a broad audience. But when you're talking to friends and family it's different, you have to get real, you have to look them in eye and that can be scary. It takes authenticity to a whole new personal level. I mean this isn't exactly one on one, but it feels intimate and personal when I write something down on my blog.

Honestly, my vulnerability hangovers haven't been to bad at these camps because for the most part I go back to normal life and know that I will most likely never see most of those people again. But posting this to my blog for friends, family, classmates and even strangers to read - that to me is way scarier.  But I know there are so many out there that can benefit from this message so feel free to share this post with them.

If there is one single thing I've learned from this accident it is that not all trials and difficulties are visible to the human eye. One of my struggles and trials is very obvious, it's the first thing they see when they meet me. But there are so many burdens that each of us carry that cannot be seen by the human eye. They can be just as crippling, heartbreaking and difficult to bear. It's funny how a physical injury has taught me so much more about the not-so-physical injuries and ailments of life.

There came a time during my physical recovery where I felt like I was spiritually drowning. To be as straightforward as possible, I was dealing with M.D.D. Major Depression Disorder. There I said it, it was hard to admit and face it then and I've avoided talking about for a long time. When I say MDD, I'm not talking a bad day, or even a bad week. I'm talking months. One month after another of suffocating darkness.

Before my accident I had experienced sadness and disappointment, but I had a hard time understanding depression of any kind. I believed a long run and endorphins could make everything better or at least distract from the pain or disappointments of life. Honestly, my mind could not even comprehend depression because I had never experienced anything like it.

The year before my accident was probably one of my highest highs that my 20 years had held. I mean for the most part I was in love with life and lived it to the fullest. I took on every adventure that came my way. I mean I lived in the most beautiful valley and got to run in the mountains almost every day. What was there not to love? As long as every day included running, I was happy. That summer I had two incredible jobs zip-lining in the Smokey mountains and working as a youth counselor at a church camp, Especially For Youth. My life was literally so jam packed with joy and energy. I never slowed down. I would get up at 4:30 am to run for 45 minutes by myself and 15-30 minutes with youth who wanted to run while at camp. Then I had meetings starting at 6 am and spent the rest of the day teaching, playing and learning with them. I would finally reach my room after 10:30 pm and kneel down in prayer and scripture study for another hour or so just overflowing with joy and concern for my youth. When I say non-stop energy, I mean it! I was going 20 out of the 24 hours in a day, 6 days a week. No exaggeration needed, the hours speak for themselves. 

As I've mentioned before about a year and a half into my recovery I hit my rock bottom. The pain that I was experiencing physically, as well as emotionally, seemed unbearable. 

"Each of us will have our Friday's - we all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays....No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."   -Joseph B. Wirthin-

"We know that there are times when we will experience heart-breaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits...such difficulties allow us to change for the better. To rebuild our lives in the way Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were, better than we were, more understanding than we were - more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before." - Thomas S. Monson-

Now I'm going to get completely raw and honest here. Not only did my body feel physically broken, but my heart was grieving and my mind felt broken. There seemed to be a crater in my mind. I couldn't remember simple details and most days I felt too weak to even get out of bed. I rarely felt like eating, but when I did I could eat a whole pint of ice cream in one sitting. I got major anxiety about even leaving the house. Yes, this is the same Brittany who used to jokingly say she could hold a conversation with a rock because she was so social. During that time I didn't think I could endure it, and even more so, I didn't want to endure it any more. I wanted it to end, all of it. I could see no light at the end of the tunnel physically or emotionally. Most of my closest friends didn't even know the depths of what I was enduring and going through, although some probably caught on or had an idea. For the most part I felt like I was bearing these physical and emotional burdens on my own.

That time in my life was so heartbreaking and so very dark. Thinking back on that time is even painful and frustrating. But lately I've been prompted to share my experiences during these fireside and talks at different girls camps and retreats where I've been speaking. It's was not my personality before to be open and vulnerable, which may surprise you. Before my accident and even the first 6 months afterward I was very private about it all. 

But I know this is what God wants me to share with others.  As it reads in Peter 3:1-5  He wants me to "be ready to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you". I want everyone to understand and see how Christ can heal even the deepest unseen wounds in our lives.

I've always prided myself on being fiercely independent, and not needing anyone else and being able to handle all my problems on my own. And to admit that I felt that sadness, grief and depression made me feel weak. But as I shared in an interview a few months back:

Depression makes you feel weak when you feel that sadness. But I've learned that feeling that sadness did not mean that I was weak. It just meant I was dealing with it and facing it. If anything, I was being more brave for facing that depression. Being brave is being vulnerable and being open and facing those difficult things in life.

I hate feeling weak and this injury not only left me feeling weak physically, unable to walk on my own and support my own weight, but it also made me feel weak emotionally. I felt like I couldn't handle the cards that life had dealt me. Before I was fiercely independent, not needing or wanting anyone to help, but the Lord reminded me that I needed to rely fully on Him. I couldn't do this on my own.

Now I know I talked a little bit about this on my post about When He Left Me. I spoke about how during my darkest most difficult times dealing with MDD, as well as the grief and ramifications of my accident. When I cried out to the Lord, I felt completely alone - absolutely nothing. No comfort, no relief, nothing. Had I not suffered enough during my time in the hospital? Was the constant neuropathic pain not enough? Was the aching to run and be free and whole again not painful enough? What more could I possibly need to learn and endure?

I was so frustrated and questioned the the entire existence of God and a Savior who atoned for the sins, pains, and trials of life. I wondered where was this God who had promised in John 14:18 "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you". I'll be honest I was angry with God. Why would he leave me comfortless when He promised that He would be there. Did he not care? Were His promises not true? They always talk about how God answers prayers often times through other people, but I felt like there was no one there answering my prayers or looking out or reaching out to me. But that's part of the depression. You can't see things clearly.

Now looking back I realized Heavenly Father had to leave me comfortless for a time because He was teaching me. He wanted me to understand depression and have a better understanding of what others have felt and experienced. Thinking and writing about it still makes me a little frustrated with God, why after everything I had already been through did He have to put me through more trials and difficulties. But oh how grateful I am now for the understanding, compassion and empathy He has taught me. And you know what, during that time a talk by Elder Holland came out. Once again, a reminder that God is mindful of me. All those months when I felt He wasn't there, there He was speaking to me directly, through one of His apostles. Although this talk brought me to tears and helped, it did not immediately fix my problems. It was still a battle I continued to fight for months afterward. 

If you have ever experienced depression, or may be in the midst of it right now, or for those of you who will face it down the road - listen to this talk. Actually everyone just needs to listen to this talk.  I'm going to include a few of my favorite quotes from his talk so you're intrigued enough to listen to the whole thing. 

"Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead. ^"

"Don't assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can. If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient."

"Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters-mental or emotional or physical or otherwise-do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. Hon on in His love."

"Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."

After I finished this last camp numerous girls came up and hugged me. Now I'm not a hugger so it caught me off guard. But after I shared some of my experiences with they kept coming like a stream. I'm not much of a hugger especially now in a wheelchair, but they were all so sweet, and so I let them awkwardly hug me over and around my wheelchair. And emails from leaders afterward told me how grateful they were for the words I shared - specifically about those unseen trials of life. 

I've had people ask me how did I get out, how did I overcome not only this injury, but also the depression? There were a few different things that helped me. First was an acronym I had a friend share with me, and then today at my cousins mission homecoming he shared the same three principles. I don't know where it originated, but nevertheless, I know it works.

Now the camp I was speaking at a few weeks ago had a cruise ship theme and I spoke with the girls about how there was a time that I was spiritually drowning in grief and depression and I needed Spiritual CPR. 
Church. Prayer. Reading the Scriptures.

Along with spiritual CPR there were a few other things that helped me find my way out of the depths of depression. Finding exercise that I loved again. Running was my outlet for every emotion and it took me years to find a substitution for it. But I finally found one: cross country skiing and mountain boarding. A fresh start in a new town with a new direction in life helped too. I know that's not possible for everyone, but everywhere I'd lived after my accident I felt like everyone was judging me and what had happened. I know that's not really what was going on but that's just how it felt and it was hard to shake. 

While my mom was visiting we took some time to go see the new Cinderella movie. In the movie the mother leaves one last piece of advice with Ella before she dies: "Have courage and be kind." And that is exactly the message I shared with another girls camp last week. We need to face the trials and burdens of life with courage. I love what C.S. Lewis says about courage:  

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point."

"To live greatly we must develop the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness and triumph with humility." -Thomas S. Monson-

And then there is kindness. As I said before so many of our trials and burdens in life are not visible. That is why we need to be kind to all we meet. As Plato said: "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."