When I went back to school I saw a physical therapist up in Logan for pain management. There was a fellow patient I crossed paths with quite often. He would always say to me: "you're going to be okay" or "things are going to work out for you". I never really knew exactly what he meant, but I would always laugh it off. One day my physical therapist told me that she asked him what he meant every time he made those comments. And he told her something along the lines of: she's cute she'll be okay, someone will see how pretty she is and they will take care of her. But all I heard was good thing you're cute because if not no one would want a girl in a wheelchair and walker.
Just the other day a fellow asked me why I used the board I was on, he didn't realize I was paralyzed. And once again the conversation ended the back-handed compliment of you're cute so you'll be okay.
The more time that passes the more people I meet that never knew me before my accident. The Brittany in a wheelchair is the only Brittany they know. They've never known the reckless, adventure-seeking, energetic girl. Sometimes I wonder when people meet me if they think I've been in a wheelchair my whole life. Not that it really matters, but I experienced 21 years of life with full-functioning legs. I've run thousands upon thousands of miles. I know what it's like and now I live every day in a body that feels foreign to me.
I still remember laying my hospital bed in Las Vegas. I finally gathered the courage to look down at my legs. There they were lifeless, swollen, and cut up. Honestly, they were so gross, but better than I'd originally expected. As I've said before, that morning of my accident I couldn't bring myself to look at my legs; I was too afraid bones would be sticking out of my legs. Come to find out they weren't. The swelling was unreal to me though. Looking at my lifeless legs, I remember some of my first thoughts of doubt creeping in as I thought: who would ever want this body, who would ever want me. It broke my heart, as I tried to push those thoughts and doubts to the back of my mind.
Over these past three years I've had to push those doubts and thoughts down time and time again. Writing has been healing and therapeutic for me. I love what Ernest Hemingway wrote:
"WRITE HARD AND CLEAR ABOUT WHAT HURTS."
That quote applies perfectly to this blog. I've experienced all shapes and forms of hurt and pain these past three years. This has been a place where I've written some of my greatest joys, as well as my deepest sorrows. And I've tried not to sugar coat or distort the truth by writing hard and clear.
I was laying awake last night thinking about pain. Not only was I enduring physical pain as I tried to rest in bed, but I was enduring emotional pain. Since my accident, my body has ached in pain as well as burned with neurological pain. I've experienced pain before, but this neurological pain was completely new experience. Pins and needles and burning don't even adequately describe the pain. If you ever so me pounding or slapping my feet it's because of neurological pain. No medication seems to make any difference but the one thing that helps is input into my feet that they are still alive. Whether that's slapping, hitting, sitting or stretching my feet, any input helps.
There was another new pain that I'd never experienced before - emotional pain and heartache. Just like neurological pain is difficult to describe. For me, it was an actual physical aching in my chest. The only way I can describe it is like a hole being dug out of my chest, leaving a dull ache. Both of these pains were brand new to me and indescribable. I didn't know how to make either of them go away. They gave me medication for the neurological pain, but early on nothing could touch that pain. I've learned how to live with the pain. The pain has also lessened and dulled a little bit. I think the same thing can apply to heartache and emotional pain. I now understand where heartache gets it's name, I never realized it was a literal physical aching.
I first fell in love when I was 15 - young, naive and reckless. I fell in love with running and with nature. Since I was fifteen, I've been in a serious and committed relationship with running.You probably think I'm a freak, but running helped me find myself and is where I experienced the most joy. I mean how many 15 year-old girls are training for marathons during their summer break and during the school year and on top of a normal cross country season.
A few years later you'd find me out on the roads of Cache Valley Utah running 21 miles for my 21st birthday. How many people do you know would want to run 21 miles...on their birthday, especially their 21st birthday. And it was completely my idea, no one was even challenging me, only myself. That's just truly how I wanted to celebrate 21 years of being alive - by running. And I'll be honest it was the best birthday of my life so far. The following year for my 22 birthday some of my crazy runner friends across the country ran a proxy 22 miles for me on my birthday back at Marquette. Seriously, how cool are they?! That was also the best birthday gift anyone could have ever given me. Runner friends make the best friends, and Alyssa is one of the finest!
Back to this topic of pain. I've become well acquainted with pain in all shapes and forms. Physical pain of burnt hands and broken bones. Neurological pain from my spinal cord injury. Spiritual pain of a stretching soul. Emotional pain of complicated and broken relationships. All of these experiences with pain were rather shocking to me. I never knew one human could experience so many different forms of pain...all at once. This is one of the many reasons I didn't respond to many during my time in the hospital. I was doing my best to not be consumed in pain, physical, emotional, spiritual, neurological etc. I've gone back and read comments, posts and messages that have meant so much more to me now reading them afterwards.
After all these experiences with pain, I'm learning to embrace it because it's part of what makes me human. It helps me be more genuine and authentic with others I meet. It helps me feel empathy towards others experiencing their own unique pains.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
There was another new pain that I'd never experienced before - emotional pain and heartache. Just like neurological pain is difficult to describe. For me, it was an actual physical aching in my chest. The only way I can describe it is like a hole being dug out of my chest, leaving a dull ache. Both of these pains were brand new to me and indescribable. I didn't know how to make either of them go away. They gave me medication for the neurological pain, but early on nothing could touch that pain. I've learned how to live with the pain. The pain has also lessened and dulled a little bit. I think the same thing can apply to heartache and emotional pain. I now understand where heartache gets it's name, I never realized it was a literal physical aching.
Back to this topic of pain. I've become well acquainted with pain in all shapes and forms. Physical pain of burnt hands and broken bones. Neurological pain from my spinal cord injury. Spiritual pain of a stretching soul. Emotional pain of complicated and broken relationships. All of these experiences with pain were rather shocking to me. I never knew one human could experience so many different forms of pain...all at once. This is one of the many reasons I didn't respond to many during my time in the hospital. I was doing my best to not be consumed in pain, physical, emotional, spiritual, neurological etc. I've gone back and read comments, posts and messages that have meant so much more to me now reading them afterwards.
After all these experiences with pain, I'm learning to embrace it because it's part of what makes me human. It helps me be more genuine and authentic with others I meet. It helps me feel empathy towards others experiencing their own unique pains.
"There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul or heartache, no infirmity or weakness you or I ever confront in mortality that the Savior did not experience first. In a moment of weakness we may cry out, 'no one understands'. But the son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He has felt and borne our individual burdens."
- David A. Bednar-
- John Green-
"Numbing the pain for awhile will make it worse when you finally feel it."
-J.K. Rowling-
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