My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

To summarize today in one picture it would be this:

Now to understand my day today there's going to be a bit of jumping around. I knew I had this MRI scheduled for a couple weeks now. I've had less than a handful of MRI's in my life - all of them being after my accident of course. 

MRI Experience #1: The memory of my first MRI experience was actually rather pleasant. After being life-flighted to Las Vegas I remember a lot of that night, but there are also many gaps in my memory. Some of my worst pain was experienced while I was laying in the life-flight helicopter being transported. Upon my arrival in the ER, the tests began. I vaguely remember being shuttled in and out of CAT scans, x-rays and finally the MRI. That morning was filled with so much chaos and pain from the moment I hit the ground. During my MRI my first moments of rest and relief washed over me. Finally, I was just able to lay there alone without being surrounded by medical professionals.  Not only was it rest from all the people all the questions but also from all of the pain. When I think of those first few hours of my accident my favorite moments were those spent in the MRI machine. A few years later when they asked me how I did with MRIs, recalling my pleasant memories, I told them I do just fine. And that is what led to my second experience... 

MRI Experience #2: 

During one of my reevaluations at Craig hospital the doctor ordered some MRI's. During the prep time the techs asked me a few questions and remembering my last positive experience I told them I would be fine because the MRI was the best part of my ER experience. But boy was I wrong. Less than 5 minutes of being slid into, what I call, the tube of torture the tech came in on my headphones. She asked how I was doing and I was ready to get started. All chocked up on my tears, I replied asking how long it was going to take. After hearing her answer of over an hour I really started to cry - turns out I'm claustrophobic. My legs also were spasming like crazy making it impossible for me to lay still. After unstrapping me and rescheduling my appointment I came back for round two the next day which started of with some sedation. Even then I learned that I have to place a rag over my eyes so I can't even peek while I'm inside the torture tube. After learning experience #2 you'd think I'd be prepared for the third...

MRI Experience #3:

Now we are up to speed. I knew I was going in for this MRI for a couple weeks and so I made sure to prepare myself by getting a massage the night before so my legs would be more relaxed. I also took other precautionary measures by going to physical therapy before my appointment to try and fatigue my muscle spasms. I also called two days before informing the staff of my muscle spasm/claustrophobic issues and they told me to bring my own medication. This was unlike my last experience where they gave me the medication. So I took the medication in the waiting room as instructed and then they proceeded to tell my they were running late. So when they put me in the changing room they told me to take my time. So of course I had a fashion show with all of the different scrubs they had laid out for me. Turns out they weren't different options, they were all meant to be worn together, but no one told me - oops haha. But here's my hospital scrub photoshoot:

Experience #3 continued with transferring onto the board and getting me all situated to be put into the torture tube.  While getting transferred over the two techs were asking how I was injured. Some days I really don't feel like talking about it - and for some reason today was one of those days. All I told them was the I was involved in a rappelling accident. The tried to ask more questions about the specifics and I just gave my vague response of  "oh it was a combination of multiple factors". Jokingly the tech asked if a ex-boyfriend was involved. I only responded with a chuckle, but I guess my  face told it all. He responded with something along the lines of "oh crap, I'm sorry I was just kidding, but man, what a jack a**". There are few times I'm really not in the mood to talk about my accidents and it's details- and today I really wasn't in the mood. 

Knowing I'm claustrophobic I requested a rag to cover my eyes with to make sure I couldn't peek, even subconsciously.  I don't know how long I had been in there, but my legs were starting to spasm and jolt. I tried to clam them down by taking deep breaths. But deep breaths in the MRI machine are not allowed because they distort and mess up the image. And so I tried not to take deep breaths, which turned into me trying to hold back tears, which turned into me trying so hard I began shaking, you know that kind of crying when your whole body shakes - yup that was me. At this point my legs and body were all shaking too much to continue. The tech pulled me out of the tube and we talked. He explained if we stopped now we'd have to start all over again from the very beginning because the landmarks would be off. So I asked him if I could just let out a good cry and then I'd try going back in. I've been through a lot of painful procedures and pain in general, but VERY few times have I been brought to tears due to hospital procedures - but today was one of them. I hate the phrases in regards to medical procedures when they say: "be brave" or "hold it together". Neither of these phrases had anything to do with my MRI experience. 

After that little episode had passed, he asked me if I had 15 more minutes in me and then 20 more minutes for the MRI with contrast. The thought of having to go through that all over again was pure horror - and so I agreed to try and make it through the thoracic imaging. Finally, after the last half hour of torture I made it through. We decided to save the other 40 minutes of my lumbar spine for another day because my spasms were worsening by the minute. In the end we rescheduled my MRI for another day with planned sedation. I included a picture of my not-so-pretty crying face because I think so often I put a positive twist on everything going on in my life. And for the most part I really mean it, but I want to show people this honest side. The raw side that breaks down when things get hard and feel like they are too much to handle. 

While driving to my next appointment afterwards I started tearing up again. It took me a minute, but I figured out part of the reason why today was so difficult. I realized today's experience was a trigger, a memory. Laying there in that MRI torture tube, I was instantly brought back to the morning of my accident in the ER. Throughout the whole MRI I was having I guess my own slight version of "flashbacks". I've really never had them before or not to this extreme. I remember the direction I was laying while talking to my dad on the phone in the ER asking if I should sign the paperwork. I remember being rushed down the hallway seeing my two friends before they took me into surgery. I remember wondering where my chapstick was and so much more. As I was trying to control my breathing in the torture tube,  I remembered trying to just get myself to inhale at all at the bottom of the cliff. I can even begin to describe that experience - it felt like it took forever to get a full breath into my lungs again. If there was ever a moment I thought I wasn't going to make it that night it was during those moments. But I think what was most difficult to think about was that all those memories took place over 3 1/2 years ago - and yet here I was laying on this stiff and sterile table still dealing with the ramifications of the accident. 

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that today was a bad day - everyone has them. Social media has a way of only promoting the positives in our lives showing off the moments we want to remember. Today isn't a day I'm proud of nor is it a day that I care to remember - but it happened and they happen to everyone. Now I know I experienced much worse in the hospital and early on after my accident and I know there will be many more to come. But in order to balance out the crap in my day here's my two goods & a bad. 

Bad: Obviously everything about today's MRI experience 

Good #1: Cooper got to play with a friend all day so I didn't have to worry about him - and he came home exhausted. 

Good #2: I had my favorite sandwich from village baker followed by a warm shower and binge watching Gilmore Girls - and avoiding any of my real tasks that needed to get done. 

So there you have it, in the words of author Judith Viorst here's  a post about my "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day .... my mom says some days are like that".