What's the point?

The words of a Bing Crosby song have been replaying in my head tonight as I once again have struggled to sleep. Of course it's sung in my all-time favorite Christmas movie, White Christmas.

"When I'm worried and I can't sleep

I count my blessings instead of sheep

And I fall asleep

Counting my blessings"

So here comes one of my late night tangents. One blessing I've been oh so grateful for is to find passion for life after my accident. Before my passion was running, and pretty much running alone. My life revolved around it because I love it so much. Now after after my accident my passions stretch much further than just running. One passion that has helped me immensely is mountain boarding and cross country skiing. 

I moved back to Utah to pursue a career in Child Life, which turned out to be a dead end. And so in the mean time I've questioned where my life is supposed to go and what on earth I am doing. But I can honestly say I needed to move back to Utah not to pursue a new career path but to find passion and love for life again. I also have some of the most incredible doctors and medical professionals here and with all the recent surgeries and procedures it's exactly where I've needed to be. 

Before my accident I had a true genuine love and appreciation for life. And after my accident I couldn't quite figure out how to find that same spark without running. And then I moved back out to Utah and met Tanja, a paralympic athlete herself, who introduced me to Nordic sit-skiing. From the very first day out on the board I felt passion and joy filled my lungs as I propelled myself up the hills in Memory Grove near the SLC capitol. I will never forget that first day, the freedom I felt and the joy I'd been searching for. And ever since that first day I've been finding every opportunity I can to get out on the mountain board, and skis that I can. 

Recently, I've had a chance to do a marathon and half-marathon. Let me begin with St. George marathon. My dad got in the lottery to run and so we decided to make it somewhat of a family affair. Since my initial injury in St. George I've really only been back once with a few friends and my life flight/search & rescue crew to take a quick trip out to the cliffs. So the marathon weekend was the most time I'd spent there since my accident in2012. 

I'm not sure when I realized it, but the marathon course was plotted to pass right by Cougar Cliffs. On the drive up to the starting line that morning it was early. Just shortly after 4 am. It was during those moments on the drive up to the start that I looked up the exact location of Cougar Cliffs so I could know when we were passing them in the dark. The darkness of the early morning felt so familiar and so peaceful. Although the month and year were a bit different the feeling was still the same, peaceful. It was under that same moon and those same stars in that same location that I took my last independent and normal steps. It was there that my whole life changed under that same dark sky and bright moon. People always use that phrase "if walls could talk" well I'd like to change it to "if the moom could talk". There are few that know and understand the details of that night, but that moon knows and saw it all.

Those moments on the drive up were probably some of the most sentimental moments I've had in regards to my injury. Then during my race down as I passed by Cougar Cliffs I felt like yelling out or screaming out "I did it". Not that I did a marathon, but that I got my life back. That I took control of my injury and my life and have chosen joy and found passion and connection again. Now I'm not just talking connection with others, I'm talking reconnecting with myself and with nature. 

While passing those cliffs I felt such peace, just as I did that night back in March of 2012. I've felt a little lost lately unsure of what to do and feeling pulled in multiple different directions not knowing which to pursue. Lately I've just been wondering why my life spared when so many other aren't, why am I still alive, what am I supposed to do? And I didn't necessarily get an answer to those question, but I felt peace again. Peace that comes from faith and knowledge in my Savior, Jesus Christ. Without Him and His gospel there would be no purpose to life, there would be no purpose for my trials, they would be just in fact trails. Suffering and stuggle would be just that and nothing more. But because of Christ and His Atonement there is purpose in my life and in each of yours. You may not fully know what that purpose is yet, but there is purpose, there is reason to keep moving forward and progress, even when you're not sure why. 

Then came the Nike Women's Half Marathon in San Fransico. And boy do I have some great stories and pictures to go along with that one. First off this time I used my mountain board not my bike. Since there was no handcycle division and I had to get my mountain board approved. Eventually I had to get in touch with the race director, Terry. Upon picking up our packets in the hustle and bustle of the busy city, I called Terry as he requested. We met up at the expo and had a few moments to talk. He started off by telling me how much he loved the video of my journey and progress and then as we proceeded to talk he told me of his son. He told me how my adventurous spirit reminded him of his son. He lost his son over 3 years ago to a motorcycle accident. And in those moments my heart hurt for him and his family and so I decided to dedicate my race to him. I don't even know his name, but I know one day we will get to meet and go on all sorts of adventures. 

The race was incredible, I will try to limit it to the top 3 stories from the race. First off there were over 25,000 runners. I'll be honest i thought they meant 2,500. But no sir, the streets were packed in front and behind you was just a sea of thousands of runners.

So I started off the beginning of the half-marathon with a couple of my friends, Danielle & Carlie. Their friendship, love and support has been one of those things that give meaning and purpose to life, One of the other few reasons why I know I was in the right place in life was to meet them. In a short time they became some of my best friends in this new stage of life I was in. So they'd run down the hills with me blocking other from being stabbed my ski poles and then on the uphills they'd take it easy walking with my as I slowly pushed upwards. From the humorous "bowling for human" comments to the surrounding cheering it was an entertaining first few miles to say the least.  

Then the course flattened out for a mile or two so I took off ahead only to be greeted by another large hill of San Fransico. As I was pushing my hardest uphill I suddenly felt hand take a hold of the back of my bucket seat and the pushing began. I felt like I ran over one of those stars during Mario Kart to give me extra speed. I turned around to see both Danielle and Carlie helping to push me to the top. Other around us were cheering and I just couldn't stop laughing - definitely the biggest surprise of the race. 

I faced another hill quite a few miles in after my friends and I were separated. So I faced this hill on my own, with my own strength. As I was pushing up hill one fellow runner asked my name. Responding he then proceeded to chant "GO BRITTANY, GO BRITTANY, GO BRITTANY" getting the whole hill of runners to join in. And from that moment on in the race I'd continue to pa[[=ss and be passed by runners on that hill who continued to cheer for me by name. It was seriously the coolest.

Then came the final GIANT hill around mile 10 or so. Honestly, I didn't have much time to even struggle up the hill because before I knew it runners were grabbing on to the back of my seat to help push me to the top of this mile long hill. Literally every time I'd turn around a new runner had stepped up to the plate to help. At one moment a girl asked if she could help and next thing I knew i turned around and her giant fiance/husband/boyfriend was now behind me pushing.

Now between all the uphills and slightly uncontrollable downhills, I didn't take anyone out! I didn't even run over a single toe! But while being pushed up the giant hill one of my pushed got a little out of hand and flat tired someone else's shoe causing it to fall off. But that one wasn't my fault.

It was such an amazing race filled with beautiful scenery and incredible people. I think what I love most about big racing events like this is the power of the human spirit that is so present. The streets were filled with women, and some men doing something most of them had never done before, pushing themselves further than most had ever gone before, all the while encouraging and helping one another along. The human spirit is resilient, it can be bruised and broken but you can learn to push through those hard things in life. 

No matter the pain you're experiencing at mile 7 of mile 12, no matter the trauma you may experienced as a child or an adult, we each have the power within us to overcome those miles and those hard things in life. I think that is what is most beautiful to me about people - the resiliency of the human spirit. 

This concept is especially true in relations to spinal cord injuries. There is power within to overcome these crippling and life shattering accidents and various diagnosis. The message I most want to share with anyone and everyone who has ever struggled or will ever face struggle is that you have the power to still live a full and meaningful life. It may not look like what you imagined, but it is still possible. My life is nothing what I expected it to at 24 - but you know what? It is filled with more beauty and connection than I could have ever imagined. Grief and sorrow still run over me at times, but my life has truly been overflowing with blessings, joy and beauty. 

I can truly testify that it is the gospel of Jesus Christ that gives life meaning. It is truly His atonement that gives purpose to our trials and sorrows. I know this to be true with all of my heart. I don't know how to better convey my thoughts and feelings right now, so sorry that is all I've got. I know this post may feel a little all over the place and a bit random with some fun memories from these past few weekends of racing all the way to my personal understanding of the meaning trials and struggle.  

I'll end with a quote from one of my favorite talks from General Conference, if you don't know what it is or what I'm talking about click here. 

"Isn't your purpose for being on this earth to experience this trial? Isn't it to accept all the trials of this life for what they are and then leave the rest up to the Lord?"

"The test a loveing God has set before us is not to see if we can endure difficulty. It is to see if we can endure it well."

-Henery B. Eyring-