I AM NOT A SURVIVOR

I listened to a TED talk by Debra Jarvis, and it instantly struck a chord with me. When a talk, book, article or conversation inspires me I get real introverted, and then I blog. Well, this TED talk really resonated with me. She started off  asking what three things would you share about yourself that define you as a person and help others understand who you are. And it got me thinking what three things I would share to really help someone understand me.

1.) I believe there is power in the written word, whether you're the one writing or reading the words of other. I've been journaling regularly for the past 9 years and I still love it, there may have been a few lulls over the years, but for the most part I've been pretty consistent.

2.) I feel most at home in nature, I love everything about the great outdoors. If I have nothing to do on a Saturday, my favorite place to be is in the woods or the mountains exploring. Before my accident it was on foot and running, and now it's on my mountain board.

3.) I'm an outgoing introvert. I enjoy being alone, but I also love people. One of my favorite things is an hour long run with friends or a long car conversation. But another one of my other favorite things is exercising in nature by myself or sitting in my hammock journaling. So I guess this one is a combination or #1 & #2

In this TED talk she focuses on survivors. Although I have experienced my own form of trauma and wounds, I am not a survivor -  I am surviving. My paralysis never goes into remission, I never "beat" paralysis, I never get to be a "paralysis survivor". It's something I'm constantly surviving and maybe even fighting, I'm a fighter, a "paralysis fighter". I fight to maintain the progress I've made, while pushing for more. Actually I'm doing more than even surviving and fighting, I'm learning to live again. I am living again joyfully, even without running.

"Ever notice how we tend to identify ourselves by our wounds ... is any of them surviving some kind of trauma? Cancer survivor, rape survivor, Holocaust survivor, incest survivor."

"Claim your experience. Don't let it claim you."

I love this reminder. Claim your experience, but do not let it claim you. There was a time in my recovery over a year down the road, where my experience and my paralysis was claiming me it was all I could think about because it was all I was focusing on, I'd moved home to work on physical therapy and really see what progress I could make by focusing full-time on my recovery.

A month after coming home from the hospital I moved back to school and split my time between full-time school and physical therapy/rehabilitation. Many were surprised that I had gone back to school so quickly after my accident. But I remember thinking, and maybe even verbalizing a time or two, that I did not want this injury to control my life. I wanted to beat this accident and diagnosis. By going back to school I would be showing this injury and paralysis who was boss! It was a similar concept to "claiming my experience". Although things weren't perfect I did it! I went back to school 5 months after this life-altering injury. It was hard,  I was constantly exhausted - physically, mentally, emotionally.  I was in my senior year, student-teaching and driving 3 hours, 3 times a week, just to go to physical therapy and work even harder. I'm not one to brag or toot my own horn, but what I did that year was shy of a super-human abilities. 

"We all know the way to cope with trauma, with loss, with any life-changing experience, is to find meaning. But here's the thing: No one can tell us what our experience means. We have to decide what it means. And it doesn't have to be some gigantic, extroverted meaning. We don't all have to start a foundation or an organization or write a book or make a documentary."

Once again, there was so much I related to in this TED talk. There was a time when I felt like I needed to do something life changing because this life-changing accident had happened to me. With time, I turned inward and realized I don't have to start a foundation or change the world, but I could change myself. In time I've found meaning and I found new meaning through every stage of recovery. This blog itself is evidence of the meaning I've found from this loss and trauma. If you have time take a listen to her whole TED talk. I am not a victim or a survivor. I am a fighter, I've fought to become this girl and I continue to challenge myself and find meaning in this journey we call life.