P E A C E

The last two months have been a nonstop beautiful blur of family & nature. Last week we went to bed after midnight every night because we were just trying to fit everything in before my surgery. I'll do a photo dump recap here soon, but I've barely been able to keep up. Initially, I had my foot surgery planned for May, but with the Today Show whirlwind and a few other opportunities that came up & I learned more details of the recovery and realized I wasn't mentally prepared. The next available time that worked with our summer vacations and schedule turned out to be July 22nd. So here we are mid July post surgery and finally having time to catch my breath. 

These past few months of summer have been so beautiful, but in the back of my mind my surgery kept creeping into my thoughts. Most days, I didn't talk about surgery because it made me so anxious. There were many times I went back and forth contemplating if I should really get the surgery or reschedule again for the third time. 

After my initial accident, my left foot had to be reconstructed with screws and k-wires. It was a hot swollen mess. For almost 3 months I wore my stylish hospital moon boots, until my wires were taken out and then I could wear shoes agzin. Even then I had to get used to shoes that worked for paralyzed feet and for the first year I wore two different size shoes because the trauma left my foot so swollen. Over the years, my feet have been a constant source of pain. Not only am I fighting paralysis, but each night I was dealing with extreme pain from a day work of walking, wheeling and crawling. 

For years, I dealt with painful spasming & curled toes. Five years ago, I thought we found a solution when we cut the majority of my toe tendons in my R & L feet. Although it provided some relief, there was still a lot of pain and over the years my toes started to curl again with even more intense pain. It became a discussion of quality of life & we decided that surgery was the best option again. Even though it's a very intense surgery & six week recovery leaving me unable to weight bear and walk, we have hope that in the long run surgery will help alleviate pain. It will cause more pain before it gets better & right now I'm in the more pain phase as I lay in bed 3 days post surgery & in a lot of physical & neurological pain. 

Leading up to the surgery I've had a lot of concerns. Last time I had this invasive of a surgery, I was inpatient in the hospital. It was my full-time job to heal and take care of myself. Now I'm a mother with responsibility to care for my toddler and we are still working on communication. Not only was I worried how I'd care for myself & my family, but I was worried about experiencing PTSD from the pins and recovery. 

Over the last few weeks I'd been praying for peace going into the surgery. There wasn't one moment of overwhelming peace, but I had multiple tender opportunities this last week leading up to surgery. Finally a few days before surgery, I fully acknowledged and faced the reality. I knew my days were numbered before my surgery & I'd no longer be able to walk, weight bear, stand or swim. 

Then these two wonderful women, Meg & Georgia, planned a women's hike at Albion Basin. I knew I wanted to join them, but it wasn't until I got my surgery time, the Friday before, that I was sure that I could attend. Luckily my surgery check in time was 2:15 PM and the hike started at 6 AM - which meant I started my day at 4:30 AM.

I couldn't imagine a more perfect day before going in for surgery. As I got going that morning, I realized I should have invited some friends, who knew me and my abilities, to come with me and help me hike. But the weekend had been so busy going with going nonstop hiking, adventuring, & swimming that I hadn't had much time to reach out and ask anyone to join me. 

This turned out to be such a blessing, if I had come with friends, I most likely wouldn't have met Sarah & Vanessa. When I showed up in the parking lot early that morning, I met a few other women. After asking Meg which direction to head so I could get a head start these two girls offered to hike with me. We became quick friends as the hung back with me as I slowly made my way along the trail. As I learned more about Sarah & Vanessa they quickly became my angels helping me along.

We were far behind the group and the trail kept getting steeper and rockier, but these two stuck with me all the way to the top. From words of encouragement to holding my crutches as I crawled up a rocky paths to helping stand up when I'd slipped and fallen they were with me all the way to the top. 

We missed the group yoga & mindfulness session, but Meg & Georgia did a mini repeat of what they'd shared earlier. As Meg played Ben Rectors song Peace while she guided us through some yoga the tears just came dripping down. It was a gentle & peaceful cry. I'd been praying for peace before going into this surgery and right there in that magical mountain morning moment listening to these words my heart was filled with the peace I'd been seeking. 

I used to think that there was a place I would rather be
'Til I got there enough times to realize that you are only ever HERE

. . .

Through the ups and downs, I have figured out

You find peace where you MAKE IT

Scenery won't change it

And I wasted so much time, thinkin' I could ever find

Enough of anything

That would bring me peace
So I found peace with who I am now

It's the only me I'll ever be, I've found

There are other places, there are a million other faces

But I found peace with who I am now

It was such beautiful morning in the mountains and the perfect last hike (for awhile). Georgia hiked back down with me and it was another one of those tender mercies of the day. She was filled with such grace & wisdom and our conversation just rolled on as we made our way back to the parking lot. Once I was alone at my car I was going to hop in and drive off, but I stopped and got back out and sat in the shadows on the mountain. My heart and soul just felt so full; I felt so uplifted and strengthened by the many women I met that morning. After a quick swim we headed back down to SLC for surgery and here's my
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There was an outpouring of prayer that day. I had already received the peace I was seeking before my surgery. But the prayers of others didn't stop there. The Lord truly knows what we need before we even ask. I had been so anxious about the pins that were supposed to be sticking out of my toes when I woke up.

When I finally came out of the anesthesia fog and the nurse told me I didn't have any pins, I felt such relief and peace. I remembered Matthew 6:8 "...your Father knoweth what thing ya have need of before ye ask Him."I know that the Lord was mindful of my and all the prayers on my behalf. And I didn't even think about praying for no pins, but when I woke up I realized that was just what I needed to help make this recovery calmer and more PEACEFUL.