If it wasn't obvious in my earlier post, I've been struggling with forgiveness lately, and a bit of anger and all those other really fun feelings. I realized it was because I felt like I had never received closure and the apology for the neglectful and wrong actions from the night of my accident. And it made me feel like a terrible person. Over and over I'd try to suppress and ignore the thoughts telling myself that I shouldn't be feeling that way and that I should be above feeling anger anger, frustration etc. But I realized I needed to acknowledge those emotions and that it was totally okay to be feeling this way, and that it didn't make me a bad person. I also came across something that has helped me find peace and the apology I was seeking for closure.
Often times we think someone has to apologize, in order for forgiveness to be possible. But as I said before, forgiveness does not lessen the severity of the sin or wrong-doing, it increases faith in the atonement. And that is exactly where I'm at, but finding this message made me feel as though I received the apology I was looking for. I just never saw it because it was posted right after my accident while I was still in Las Vegas in ICU. So here is what was said, so for those times when anger resurfaces I can read this and remember, although it didn't feel like I got the apology I was looking for, this post helps me find peace. This was actually posted publicly initially and so that's why I feel it's okay to post again. The online post read:
"To all my friends, family and all the friends, family and well-wishers of Brittany,
Often times we think someone has to apologize, in order for forgiveness to be possible. But as I said before, forgiveness does not lessen the severity of the sin or wrong-doing, it increases faith in the atonement. And that is exactly where I'm at, but finding this message made me feel as though I received the apology I was looking for. I just never saw it because it was posted right after my accident while I was still in Las Vegas in ICU. So here is what was said, so for those times when anger resurfaces I can read this and remember, although it didn't feel like I got the apology I was looking for, this post helps me find peace. This was actually posted publicly initially and so that's why I feel it's okay to post again. The online post read:
"To all my friends, family and all the friends, family and well-wishers of Brittany,
Seeing as how I am still new to this whole Facebook thing I’m not sure what length of posts are acceptable in the realm of social media but if this is too long I apologize in advance. Acceptable or not, however, I wanted to take a second and just explain a few things.
First of all, for all of you who don’t know me, my name is(i took out his name for privacy sake) and I am the guy that took Brittany out to Cougar Cliffs the night she fell. I met Brittany and her roommates about a month ago through a mutual friend at Utah State and have been looking for every excuse I could make up to hang out with her ever since then. Early Monday morning I couldn’t sleep so I texted Brittany and talked her into coming on what I thought would be a fun adventure and another way for me to spend time with her.
Obviously, nothing worked out how I planned. The details of what happened that morning aren’t really easy to understand even if you have a long background in high angle activities and I don’t think I could explain them here (a) because of their technicality, (b) because I’m still not exactly sure what happened myself and (c) because talking about in print or in person is still very hard for me. The most important thing I can say is that I made a bunch of really, really dumb assumptions and exposed both Brittany and myself to way too many risks. I’d done the same thing with my buddies hundreds of times and foolishly thought that everything would always be ok regardless of my neglect of standard safety procedures I’ve known for years. Whatever happened that morning, my gross recklessness caught up with us and I’m afraid you all know the results.
If there was or is any apology I could or can make for what happened I would make it in a second. But, I know that nothing I can ever say or do will ever make up for the pain I’ve caused Brittany, her family and all of you. I am so sorry.
Beyond this there is little I can say about what happened. I’ve relived those moments thousands of times over the last few days and think that I will keep reliving them for the rest of my life.
With all of this in mind, I do think there is at least something I can offer to all of you that are so interested in Brittany’s progress. Although I in no way deserved it, I have been blessed to spend a lot of time with Brittany over the last few days. So, for all of you that wish you could have been in my place I’d like to share some the best moments I’ve shared with Brittany this past week.
The first experience I’d like to share is one that typifies how Brittany has behaved herself in the hospital ever since she got there. Wednesday afternoon I got to go in and spend some time with her and when I walked into her room she had a pad of paper and a pencil resting on her stomach. She was pretty groggy from the drugs she’d been given but she quickly explained that she needed to write a note to one of her nurses that was going off shift soon and that she might not get to see again. Despite the difficulty of holding the paper up and writing with a bandaged hand she quickly filled the front and back of the page. I tried not to read what she was writing but I couldn’t help but notice that, based on the things she included in her note, Brittany had found out everything there was to know about this girl and was wishing her the best of luck in all of it in her wonderfully positive way. Yeah. That’s Brittany for you. There she was laying on a hospital bed in the ICU, fighting serious injuries and a whole host of other problems and all she could think about was telling her “chica” to have a blast with whatever it was she was about to do next.
The second experience is one that touched me deeply and that I won’t ever forget. Later on Wednesday afternoon Brittany’s mom came back into the waiting room and asked me to go in and help give Brittany a blessing with her dad. I had given Brittany two blessings before by myself and had felt horribly inadequate both times. I’d felt Heavenly Father guiding me but still struggled tremendously with my faith while pronouncing the blessings. Putting my hands on Brittany’s head with her dad was a completely different experience. Brian is absolutely amazing and the faith he has in Heavenly Father as well as his love for his daughter were both palpable in those moments. Among other things Brian blessed Brittany that she would walk and run again and although my faith struggled before I am completely certain now that Heavenly Father will honor the blessing Brian gave Brittany that day.
Finally, last night (Thursday night), I got to spend the whole night with Brittany. Her mom had been going pretty much 24/7 with Brittany and finally agreed to go home and get some sleep. It was one crazy night for Brittany. First of all, she had been moved around a lot that morning and that evening had been transferred to a new ward in the hospital. She was in a lot of pain and was having a really hard time getting comfortable. To make matters worse, the new staff on the floor seemed determined to not let her get any sleep, popping in to visit about every 15 minutes or whenever Brittany looked like she was about to finally fall asleep. As a result, I got to spend a lot of the night talking with Brittany. We talked about all sorts of things. We joked around a lot, read the scriptures together and talked about what the next few months were going to bring. It was, without a doubt, the best part of my Spring Break and probably one of the very best nights of my life. I know it wasn’t one of the best nights of Brittany’s life, but the chance to be around her and soak in all her happiness and radiance, still shining at three o’clock in the morning was absolutely one of the greatest highlights of my life.
Anyway, I hope this gives you some idea of how Brittany is doing and of what a wonderful girl she is. I know these words can’t even begin to describe how great she is. I love you Brittany, I love your family, and to everyone else that has been praying for Brittany and her family, thank you so, so very much."
At a time when I was struggling with forgiveness this message brought me peace and help lessen the anger. There are many, many other contributing factors to the accident that were not listed. But as I was working through my grief and anger she had me talk to her like he was in the room. And I'll be honest I struggled with it at first, it was weird, like really weird. At first I didn't even participate in the activity like she wanted me do, but she continued to encourage me to you "you statements" like he was in the room. So finally I did, and I'll be honest, it kinda worked. I found myself verbalizing thoughts and feelings I've never verbalized, expressing anger for factors I've never publicly or privately discussed with anyone. As weird as it felt at first once I got going, it kept flowing out of my mouth. I was brutally honest, and I don't need to record all I said because those thoughts and feelings were expressed once and I think that's all the stage time they needed.
But she had me share with her some messages and one specifically that I had written. After reading it to her she validated almost everything I had written in the letter, because I did - like my letter reads - feel guilty for feeling that anger. I felt bad for having these negative feelings but throughout the letter and afterward I realized I didn't need to feel bad nor should I feel bad for processing my grief and emotions this way. So for my records I'll include that letter here. And I think I'll print all this off because like I said this is a place for me to record progress, both emotional and physical. So I think I want to have a hard copy, sometimes I just don't trust the internet. But to end here's that letter:
Afterwards my grief counselor talked with me about how when she first met me I had no anger towards him, and how this concerned her, but she kept it to herself and let me ride it out. We actually had kind of "finished" and "graduated" when I called in to set up an appointment. Yes, there had been a few angry moments over the past few years but never had they lingered like this before. And it's not in my nature to be mad. But it came, and boy did it come. We talked a little about how necessary that anger is, but how it had to come in my time. And although 3 years seems like a long time, it was my timeline and it was no one's right to tell me when to feel that anger. I have no shame in talking about my months spent processing with grief, my counselor never gave me any answers, but helped me process my roller coaster emotions, which were repercussions from my accident. She's helped validate those feelings, especially when I felt like a terrible person for having these thoughts and feelings.
Grief work is hard, it can be exhausting and liberating at the same time. But most of the time it's hard work. But I'm glad I took the time to process it and figure it all out. I don't know if the roller coaster of high and lows of sadness and anger will ever fully go away, but the dips will lessen, I hope. Actually, I know they will, I just need to ride this drop out. I already feel the anger leveling out and so that's how I know it will.
Time does heal, but time alone didn't do it for me, it took work. It took effort into processing everything. My counselor talked to me about how after my accident everyone paid attention to my physical ailments, but not my emotional and psychological ailments. And she stressed the importance of how my physical healing was focused on for years as I focused on physical therapy and physical healing, but now I've taken time to heal my unseen wounds. It's been good, it's been harder than physical rehabilitation some days, but the peace I feel now is confirmation that it was worth the work and time. People always say time heals everything, but I do not believe that is the case - especially if you are suppressing feelings and emotions. In those cases time doesn't necessarily heal. It takes work, and faith and time - but it's worth it.
First of all, for all of you who don’t know me, my name is
Obviously, nothing worked out how I planned. The details of what happened that morning aren’t really easy to understand even if you have a long background in high angle activities and I don’t think I could explain them here (a) because of their technicality, (b) because I’m still not exactly sure what happened myself and (c) because talking about in print or in person is still very hard for me. The most important thing I can say is that I made a bunch of really, really dumb assumptions and exposed both Brittany and myself to way too many risks. I’d done the same thing with my buddies hundreds of times and foolishly thought that everything would always be ok regardless of my neglect of standard safety procedures I’ve known for years. Whatever happened that morning, my gross recklessness caught up with us and I’m afraid you all know the results.
If there was or is any apology I could or can make for what happened I would make it in a second. But, I know that nothing I can ever say or do will ever make up for the pain I’ve caused Brittany, her family and all of you. I am so sorry.
Beyond this there is little I can say about what happened. I’ve relived those moments thousands of times over the last few days and think that I will keep reliving them for the rest of my life.
With all of this in mind, I do think there is at least something I can offer to all of you that are so interested in Brittany’s progress. Although I in no way deserved it, I have been blessed to spend a lot of time with Brittany over the last few days. So, for all of you that wish you could have been in my place I’d like to share some the best moments I’ve shared with Brittany this past week.
The first experience I’d like to share is one that typifies how Brittany has behaved herself in the hospital ever since she got there. Wednesday afternoon I got to go in and spend some time with her and when I walked into her room she had a pad of paper and a pencil resting on her stomach. She was pretty groggy from the drugs she’d been given but she quickly explained that she needed to write a note to one of her nurses that was going off shift soon and that she might not get to see again. Despite the difficulty of holding the paper up and writing with a bandaged hand she quickly filled the front and back of the page. I tried not to read what she was writing but I couldn’t help but notice that, based on the things she included in her note, Brittany had found out everything there was to know about this girl and was wishing her the best of luck in all of it in her wonderfully positive way. Yeah. That’s Brittany for you. There she was laying on a hospital bed in the ICU, fighting serious injuries and a whole host of other problems and all she could think about was telling her “chica” to have a blast with whatever it was she was about to do next.
The second experience is one that touched me deeply and that I won’t ever forget. Later on Wednesday afternoon Brittany’s mom came back into the waiting room and asked me to go in and help give Brittany a blessing with her dad. I had given Brittany two blessings before by myself and had felt horribly inadequate both times. I’d felt Heavenly Father guiding me but still struggled tremendously with my faith while pronouncing the blessings. Putting my hands on Brittany’s head with her dad was a completely different experience. Brian is absolutely amazing and the faith he has in Heavenly Father as well as his love for his daughter were both palpable in those moments. Among other things Brian blessed Brittany that she would walk and run again and although my faith struggled before I am completely certain now that Heavenly Father will honor the blessing Brian gave Brittany that day.
Finally, last night (Thursday night), I got to spend the whole night with Brittany. Her mom had been going pretty much 24/7 with Brittany and finally agreed to go home and get some sleep. It was one crazy night for Brittany. First of all, she had been moved around a lot that morning and that evening had been transferred to a new ward in the hospital. She was in a lot of pain and was having a really hard time getting comfortable. To make matters worse, the new staff on the floor seemed determined to not let her get any sleep, popping in to visit about every 15 minutes or whenever Brittany looked like she was about to finally fall asleep. As a result, I got to spend a lot of the night talking with Brittany. We talked about all sorts of things. We joked around a lot, read the scriptures together and talked about what the next few months were going to bring. It was, without a doubt, the best part of my Spring Break and probably one of the very best nights of my life. I know it wasn’t one of the best nights of Brittany’s life, but the chance to be around her and soak in all her happiness and radiance, still shining at three o’clock in the morning was absolutely one of the greatest highlights of my life.
Anyway, I hope this gives you some idea of how Brittany is doing and of what a wonderful girl she is. I know these words can’t even begin to describe how great she is. I love you Brittany, I love your family, and to everyone else that has been praying for Brittany and her family, thank you so, so very much."
At a time when I was struggling with forgiveness this message brought me peace and help lessen the anger. There are many, many other contributing factors to the accident that were not listed. But as I was working through my grief and anger she had me talk to her like he was in the room. And I'll be honest I struggled with it at first, it was weird, like really weird. At first I didn't even participate in the activity like she wanted me do, but she continued to encourage me to you "you statements" like he was in the room. So finally I did, and I'll be honest, it kinda worked. I found myself verbalizing thoughts and feelings I've never verbalized, expressing anger for factors I've never publicly or privately discussed with anyone. As weird as it felt at first once I got going, it kept flowing out of my mouth. I was brutally honest, and I don't need to record all I said because those thoughts and feelings were expressed once and I think that's all the stage time they needed.
But she had me share with her some messages and one specifically that I had written. After reading it to her she validated almost everything I had written in the letter, because I did - like my letter reads - feel guilty for feeling that anger. I felt bad for having these negative feelings but throughout the letter and afterward I realized I didn't need to feel bad nor should I feel bad for processing my grief and emotions this way. So for my records I'll include that letter here. And I think I'll print all this off because like I said this is a place for me to record progress, both emotional and physical. So I think I want to have a hard copy, sometimes I just don't trust the internet. But to end here's that letter:
"You did apologize, but like I said they were all so vague and felt like these blanket apologies. Those apologies could have been for anything. I carried full responsibility for so long, and it was such a heavy burden to carry. When I finally realized I did not have to carry all of the responsibility, it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I know you felt the grief and guilt early on, and carried that burden too, but you went back to guiding and have gone on to live a normal life. For the most part, no one knew who you were or your role in the accident. I had to carry that, and I still carry it every single time someone asks me what happened.I guess what I was looking for in my first email was a more specific apology. I understand that you may not want to apologize for all the effects if the accident. Such as "I'm sorry you'll never go out running on a warm spring afternoon, or that you'll never be able to dance around the kitchen with your children, or I'm sorry you cant go out hiking with friends and family". But I guess I was looking for an apology for the specifics of what you're actually sorry for, such as "I'm sorry I wasn't prepared and didn't have a glove for you, or I'm sorry I didn't belay you, or I'm sorry I had you use an ATC or I'm sorry I never told you the cliff was almost 300 feet".Basically just owning your mistakes and taking responsibility. Because for the most part no one knows those specifics and so the blame and mistakes of the accident are all placed on me. But that was not the case, I own my role and responsibility and decisions that night. But you never had to own them and really take responsibility for what happened publicly or on a daily basis. I know psychologically you had to carry a lot, and I understand that carry those are just as difficult if note more difficult. But I not only have to carry the public responsibility and embarrassment for the accident and what happened, but I also have to deal with the continuing physical effects of paralysis, as well as the psychological effects.Like I said I've found forgiveness and a quote that I love talks about how forgiveness does not lessen the severity of the sin or the wrong-doings, but it increases faith in the atonement. And that is exactly how I feel forgiving you. Forgiving you does not mean that your role in my accident is erased or lessened. But that it doesn't matter because the Atonement balances it all out. But it does not lessen the wrong-doings or responsibility etc. I'm sorry if this is painful to read, and maybe it's not painful at all and I'm just making assumptions. But I need you to know how I feel.Before sending this message I spoke with a friend of mine who had to forgive painful events in her past. And she asked me what I wanted to come of sending these emails. And I've thought about that; and I've felt like I was a terrible and irrational person for feeling this way. But we talked and felt like if healing could come from this then it wouldn't be pointless and completely selfish. I'm the one living with the physical and psychological affects and that I'm allowed to be selfish in this scenario. And I'm sorry if this is coming across as terribly mean and selfish, but this is what I need to let you know to find my own healing. And honestly, I'm only telling you a small portion of what I actually feel, there is so much more I could include here but that would not be beneficial to either of us. And so I'm only writing enough to help with my healing process, the rest in unnecessary. I just want you to own and take responsibility for your role and I believe you may have done this personally, but never publicly or never to me or my family.I'm sorry my grieving process hasn't follow a normal course, not that there is a normal course. But many people expected me to feel this way much earlier. But I'm feeling it now, and you know what it's my journey and I can go at whatever pace I want. With that, I've felt like a terrible person for being mad and wanting you take some of the responsibility, but I'm not terrible for feeling this way, and actually I'm allowed to feel this way! But I hope you understand I'm not trying to be hurtful or spiteful, this is just how I'm processing it all and finding peace with the situation. Good luck with life and hope that it's treating you well.-Britt"
Afterwards my grief counselor talked with me about how when she first met me I had no anger towards him, and how this concerned her, but she kept it to herself and let me ride it out. We actually had kind of "finished" and "graduated" when I called in to set up an appointment. Yes, there had been a few angry moments over the past few years but never had they lingered like this before. And it's not in my nature to be mad. But it came, and boy did it come. We talked a little about how necessary that anger is, but how it had to come in my time. And although 3 years seems like a long time, it was my timeline and it was no one's right to tell me when to feel that anger. I have no shame in talking about my months spent processing with grief, my counselor never gave me any answers, but helped me process my roller coaster emotions, which were repercussions from my accident. She's helped validate those feelings, especially when I felt like a terrible person for having these thoughts and feelings.
Grief work is hard, it can be exhausting and liberating at the same time. But most of the time it's hard work. But I'm glad I took the time to process it and figure it all out. I don't know if the roller coaster of high and lows of sadness and anger will ever fully go away, but the dips will lessen, I hope. Actually, I know they will, I just need to ride this drop out. I already feel the anger leveling out and so that's how I know it will.
Time does heal, but time alone didn't do it for me, it took work. It took effort into processing everything. My counselor talked to me about how after my accident everyone paid attention to my physical ailments, but not my emotional and psychological ailments. And she stressed the importance of how my physical healing was focused on for years as I focused on physical therapy and physical healing, but now I've taken time to heal my unseen wounds. It's been good, it's been harder than physical rehabilitation some days, but the peace I feel now is confirmation that it was worth the work and time. People always say time heals everything, but I do not believe that is the case - especially if you are suppressing feelings and emotions. In those cases time doesn't necessarily heal. It takes work, and faith and time - but it's worth it.
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