Clear Eyes, Full Heart, Can't Lose

For those who recognize the title of this post, yes, I'm a big time fan of Friday Night Lights. To my surprise when I first started watching the show the main character, Jason Street and I shared a similar bond, paralysis. What I love most about the main phrase of the show is that it mentions nothing about their physical strength - it's all about character and heart. Truly with clear eyes and a full heart we can't lose. I could go on and on about FNL, but that was not the purpose of this post.

"You were chosen not for your bodily characteristics, but for your spiritual attributes, such as bravery, courage, interigity of heart, thirst for truth, a hunger for wisdom and a desire to serve"

- Russle M. Nelson-

This is probably my current favorite quote. What a beautiful reminder that we are more than our bodies and physical attributes. In a world where we judge ourselves and others so quickly by appearances, here we are here reminded that we were not chosen by our bodily characteristics. 

Now, I've talked about my grieving process before, including the grieving of my old body. Now, for the most part, I don't look like a spinal chord injury, if I'm not in my wheelchair. In fact, there have been many, many times where people would come up to me and ask "knee surgery?" or "how long are you on crutches for?" The list of questions go on and on. I even get the occasional questioning of disability, "you're not paralyzed" or "you're too able-bodied to be here". And even the occasional child at the grocery store, "you're not a grandma", those are always funny. 

Before my accident, I may not have had the perfect body, but it allowed me to run, climb and explore and do the things I  enjoyed; and for that I loved it. My legs have not completely atrophied, since I'm able to weight bear and walk some, but they still are not the same toned legs and normal looking feet. Arm crutches, wheelchairs and braces don't make the cutest of accessories. And when it comes to shoes, that's been a whole new struggle, one of those struggles they didn't prepare me for in the hospital. They taught me how to manage curbs and how to care for myself, but I wasn't prepared for the change of wardrobe and lowering self-esteem I would face.

Before & After. Accessories featured : jewett brace, wheelchair, compression socks, moon boots & foley bag all courtesy of Craig Hospital. Fashion striped top- The Loft, and bball shorts Utah State University Track & Field - incase you thought this was a fashion blog 

Endless Abilites

A picture my brother captured during the interview http://vimeo.com/117846035

I'm sorry, but where did January go? I had this whole post typed up and I ended up deleting it all, so I'll try to make it as good, but I kind of lost motivation after it was all deleted. But here we go again...

First off, I want to give credit where it's deserved. And this group of guys deserve every bit of credit I can give. This group was filming a documentary called Endless Abilities and during their trip out to theWest Coast they stopped at Craig Hospital during my first few months stay there in Denver. They started on the East coast and made pit stops across the country and visited different amputees, SCI and others with disabilities. Throughout their journey they filmed their encounters and adventures and when they came to Craig Hospital we sat down for an interview.

Running this Race & Being Content

Alright, I have so many journals and so many incredible experiences, and this is going to be my place to put some of my favorites, or most memorable thoughts, experiences and past journal entries.

This experience happened back in fall of 2011, my last cross country season I competed in at Utah State. It was at regionals in Provo, Utah, after a fun filled, healthy season. We'd been everywhere from Arkansas to Hawaii and probably my most memorable season at Utah State, not just because I was healthy but because of how much fun we had, and how dearly I loved my teammates. Did I mention how much fun we had?

But back to regionals in Provo, my family happened to all be there in Utah for my race, but during my race I kept hearing my name being cheered by people other than my family, there were so many spectators at this race that when I looked I couldn't always see who it was cheering my name. As the race came to an end and I crossed the finish line I  was greeted not only by my family, but by old friends and extended family that I didn't know had come to my race. It was such an awesome experience to have people cheering for me all along my race, encouraging me and pushing me along. But after this cross country race I had one of the most meaningful revelations or realizations, "ah-ha" moment, whatever you wish to call it.

The Real Red Band Society

So the other month, I was super stoked about this TV series that was starting called Red Band Society. I watched the preview, or whatever you call the first episode, the pilot. We'll just say I was extremely disappointed, I didn't expect it to be perfectly realistic, but this show was unreal. My nurses told me I had the most decorated room they'd ever seen, and my room was put to shame by this shows top-of-the-line patient room decorations and design. So, I thought I'd give a little insight into what it was like to be a patient in a hospital for almost 4 months. I know only the "best" pictures were posted early on but I'm excited to share and gather together pictures and videos of what life was really like, the less glamorous version, the real version. I just want this is be a real non-"facebook world" insight into life. Honestly when I was going through it all I was on so many drugs I could have never covered it all and kept up. I'm just now 2 1/2 years later finding time to sit down and write about it. I want to have it all in one place that I can keep forever, lets hope the internet doesn't disappear or crash.

First off this is the infamous first picture that was posted and everyone thought "oh she looks great" little did they know it took so much effort and perfect timing to get that picture. Let me tell you, I didn't look as good as the "facebook world" made it appear.

But this is what life really looked like, and even then there are no pictures of the first five days in ICU... lots of sleeping, medications, wound bandages, drains and greasy hair. Even when I was awake I spoke with my eyes closed most of the time. 

Substitutions

Have you ever substituted an ingredient in a recipe, you know when you're trying to make that cookie recipe a little healthier? Applesauce for butter or oil, often times the substitutes are noticeable or they just don't taste as good as the real thing.

I used to think that frozen yogurt was the American substitute for ice cream. I used to think it was so dumb, if I want ice cream, I want the real thing, all 500 of those cookies n' cream ice cream - or however many calories it may be. Then, I tried frozen yogurt for the first time. And you know what - I liked it! It was then that I realized it wasn't terrible it was just different. It had different flavor for a different craving. Frozen yogurt isn't meant to be ice cream, it's its own thing, and quite delicious with the right combination of toppings.

Grief

"Greif does not change you, it reveals you."  

John Green

The past 2 ½ years I’ve come to more fully understand the meaning of the word grief. Through my personal experiences, along with class research and conversations with others, I’m just starting to understand grief. I think John Green put it quite well when he wrote – ‘grief does not change you, it reveals you’. There have been times where I did not like the girl who it revealed, and other moments when I was in complete awe of the strength I found.

When it comes to experiencing pain, or any type of feeling, I am not a fan of the phrase and idea: “I know how you feel”. Even if you had been in the exact same accident with the exact same injuries and time in the hospital, that does not mean you know how an individual feels. We each feel pain differently, based on our personal experiences. This contributes to the fact that no one can know exactly how you are feeling. Well, that is, no one except our Savior Jesus Christ. He is the ONLY person who can say ‘I know how you feel’ to each and every one of us and know how to help us, because He truly understands. In cases of abuse, He knows. In cases of infidelity, He knows. In cases of death and loss, He knows. When it comes to divorce and broken hearts, He knows. The list could go on and on, He has experienced it all. There is no pain he did not suffer, no sorrow he did not feel. Although I do not understand how that is possible, I know that He truly ‘knows how you feel’.

My Therapy: Running

While at physical therapy I was talking with one of my PTs and we were talking about how so often people take things forgranted, and if you can really not take something, like walking, forgranted until you've lost it. Before my accident though, I truly thought I appreciated my ability to run. But even then there were so many simplicities in life that I took for-granted. From running in the house because I forgot my paper to sitting down and using a toilet, the list could go on forever, but that's not my focus. Just two weeks before my accident I had been out on a long run by myself. My experience on my run left me over-joyed and pondering the beauty and meaning of running to me. So, when I got home I went straight to my journal, I still remember sitting at our kitchen table writing this entry. 

“I absolutely love to run. People ask me all the time, how to love running, or express to me how much they hate it. All of these conversations, and many long runs on my own, has led me to these thoughts and conclusions. I love to run because when I run, I don’t need anyone else or anything. I mean, yes, clothes and shoes would be nice to have, but are by no means essential. When I run, I see the world in an almost clearer, and more beautiful light. And nothing, at least nothing I can think of, comes close to that feeling of peace and pure joy when the warm sun beats down on my skin. When I run, it seems as though, that is when I am closest to God, on my own and in nature, in the beauty He created for me. There is no need for therapists when running exists. Running calms my heart and soul. When I’m frustrated, I run. When I’m upset, I run. When I’m near tears, I run. When I feel lazy, I run. When I’m ecstatic, I run. When my heart is filled with gratitude, I run. Running keeps me sane. Some may call me insane for running so much, but man oh man are they wrong. Some say naps make everything better, but I believe running makes everything better. I love running because I can just pick up and go. I don’t need anything, but maybe the shoes on my feet. I’m very much a people person, but when I find it hard to sort my thoughts, and find quiet time to pray to my Father in Heaven, running is the perfect remedy.”